Whew!

I am exhausted already and it is only noon. I planned on dressing like a witch today only to realize that Bret had left with my hat in his truck. This was after I was all dressed in black so I had to think quickly and improvise. What else can you be when you are dressed in all black? A cat of course. So one piece of black felt, one of Emily's head bands, a hot glue gun, and black eyeliner later...whalaa!

The kids' costumes are finished and after a final fitting/modeling last night I am really happy with them both and so are they. I will post pictures this weekend hopefully. Treat bags have all been assembled and are at the school waiting to be handed out and the party treats are at school as well.

Every year I meet with the college's coaches and give a quick overview on financial aid. I'm not sure that quick and financial aid can ever really go together but we manage to compress it all with questions into an hour. For some reason this meeting always falls on Halloween. Oh, well. It's fun and they are great guys that are actually interested in what I have to say. They always have lots of questions and it's a very useful session. The best part is that this meeting takes up most of my morning and since I leave early for the kids' school party/parade my day flies by.

Although I'm looking forward to this afternoon and tomorrow part of me is ready for Sunday to get here already.

Parties, parades, and Trick 'Or Treating OH MY!

Holidays took on new meanings when our children started to attend school. Besides the holiday itself you also have to add in school parties and treats. I am hopeful that Bret and I are not the only parents in the world that tend to leave some of these tasks to the last minute.

Last night was spend assembling treats for both Emily and Palmer's classmates. I tried really hard this year to not just give a bag of candy to the kids. They get so much candy I wanted to do something a little different yet cheap. So I went to the good old king of cheap...Oriental Trading. I get coupons from them all the time and some of them are really good. With a decent discount and free shipping I was able to procure treats for the kids' classroom friends for less than a couple bags of candy (which is the minimum it would probably take). In the goody bags this year (which btw the goody bags were ordered too and they are super cute pumpkin, ghost, and Frankenstein mini 4 in bags with google eyes) are Halloween stamps, Halloween pad of paper, and a candy bracelet. By the reaction of my kids I think they are going to be a big hit.

Besides the goodies we are also signed up to bring apple cider for the party. Tonight I have to put the finishing touches on Emily's costume and get everything ready to go for tomorrow. The kids are excited for their school parade and parties tomorrow and I can't wait to see them too. The little ones are so cute in their costumes. Unfortunately this year Bret can't make it to the parade because his residency program is having a retreat. I am hopeful that they get done early and he can catch the end of it but with his job I never try and get my hopes up (or the kids'). Saturday is full of activities and on Sunday I plan to relax.

As much as I enjoy Halloween I will be glad when this weekend is over. Only 9 weeks (or so) until the baby comes and I am starting to get anxious.

Black Friday

Some of you might remember from last year that I am a big Black Friday shopper. I love checking out the ads early and planning what I'm going to get. I don't mind standing in line and love finding the perfect gift for an oh so low price.

Last year my big find was a power wheel jeep for Palmer for less than half the original price. He loved it and still rides it everywhere.

This year we don't have any family coming in to town and of course Bret has to work on Friday. In the past when this happened I just picked my top store and was in and back home before he had to leave for work. Worse case scenario I can do the same again this year. The first big ad leak of the year was posted recently (Sears) and new ones should be coming out every day until Thanksgiving. Although there are lots of sights that offer information about Black Friday my favorite is www.blackfriday.info They have an email subscription which notifies you as soon as the ad is posted. This is a fantastic feature b/c a lot of times the good ads will only be up a very short time before lawyers start issuing stop orders and force the site to take down the ads. Only 30 days until Black Friday!

My mom

Today is my mom's birthday.

They say that when you become a mother yourself you appreciate your own mother more. Not only do I appreciate her so much more but I understand her better.

I understand why she did or didn't do the things that she did or didn't do. I understand her constant worry over everything. I understand her motives, her reasoning, and her thoughts better than I ever did as a child or even a young adult. I understand her heart.

My mom was never perfect. No mom ever is. Our family was different...she was different. Growing up is a constant struggle to fit in and that was a monumental challenge in my family. Her traditions, accent, culture, and beliefs stood out and was a constant source of rebellion for most of my childhood. It wasn't until I moved out and away to college that my mom and I were able to redefine our relationship. We went from constant fighting to a much more laid back and comfortable friendship. We went from barely being able to stay in the same room with each other without screaming to talking almost daily on the phone. Moving away has been hard but missing my mom has been the hardest part.

This past year my mom has become a strong and independent woman. Jokingly she once told me that after raising me nothing seemed impossible. I am so proud of her. I am so sorry for the heartache and stress I put her through. The good news is that after her first grandchild was born all was forgiven in an instant. Her grandkids are her greatest joy. Unfortunately as I see Emily's personality (read: stubborn, drama, etc) continue to develop I know that what comes around goes around.

Happy Birthday mom! I love you a lot and thank for everything.

Legacy

My great uncle Steve passed away this weekend. Since my grandfather had passed away many years ago he was the man that filled that role for a big part of my life. He had one child who he wasn't that close to so my grandmother's (his sister) family sort of adopted him into ours. He came for birthday parties, holiday dinners, and graduation celebrations. Out of all of the people in my family he had lead one of the most interesting.

As a Korean war veteran he taught me a lot about patriotism. He was a staunch conservative republican that hung framed photos of both Reagan and Bush in his office. After the war he moved to California and joined the Los Angeles Police Department and retired with a nice pension. He spent several years in Montana on a large ranch which he later developed and sold off for a large profit. Deciding once again to relocate to California he met his lifetime partner (he was divorced and although he and Helene never married they lived as common law partners for 20 years) a short, full of life and energy, German woman. I always loved he way he called her schatzila which I believe means treasured love in German.

About 15 years ago he decided that he wanted to move closer to family and relocated once again to his roots, Kansas. For several years he lived 20 minutes away from my home. He was a regular visitor for dinner as were we at his house. He was an amazing cook and even more entertaining host. The stories of his past and of my grandparents always enthralled me. He led his life according to the simplest values; Love of God, Love of Family, Love of Country.

My uncle Steve was one of Bret and I's biggest fans. He adored our children and constantly told us that as long as there were family's like ours in upcoming generations he had hope for the future. He taught us how to appreciate the little joys in life and to live life to it's fullest. He was a great man and will be forever missed.

Stop Crying!

Lately when I get frustrated or even angry I tend to get emotional and cry. I HATE this! I am usually a very calm and rationale person which comes in handy when I am talking to someone that is less than competent on the phone.

Yesterday I was arguing with the insurance company (which an entire other post by itself) and before I knew what was happening my voice got all choked up and tears were flowing down my cheeks. I ended up hanging up because I was not going to let her know I was that upset. After I got off the phone I sat and cried in my office for a good five minutes. Partly because I was still pissed off and partly because I couldn't believe that I was crying.

Today the same thing happened while I was talking to the bank. I was REALLY pissed off at the bank. You know it's bad when they admit that they screwed up. We bought a new car which paid of the rest of the loan for the car that we had. An automatic payment was set up through our online banking system. 3 days before the payment was scheduled to pay I called the bank to cancel the payment. Woman on the phone said that she would issue a stop check (which is what she said needed to be done since it was a payment that they sent a check for) and that there would be no problem. Lo and behold the money went out of the account anyways. I called today and they said that I was talking to the wrong department and that what she did was wrong. Since the money was paid out today there was nothing they could do. UGH! And then I cried. Not because it's a fortune and we are now broke...cause we are fine. More b/c I did everything I was supposed to, they screwed up, and I am now the one that has to pay and get the run around to get my money back.

Even when fighting with Bret or getting frustrated with the kids the water works around me are like broken pipes. I am super sensitive and I get overwhelmed easily. It's like my head is completely disconnected to my eyes. I can feel myself get overly emotional and yet there is nothing I do about it except add to the fact that I'm already upset.

Good thing my readers are super nice cause I just couldn't take a mean comment right now :)

Lookin good

Yesterday Emily had her 5 year old well visit. Yes, her birthday was back in October but some how a few years ago her well visit got pushed back a few months and in order to keep her shots time frame OK we now have her annual visits in October.

Emily is a tiny girl. Not super short but super skinny. I was not surprised at all when the doctor said that Emily now weighs 30 lbs. Palmer weighs more than that. She is just tiny and will probably be tiny her whole life. She eats. She is not a picky eater in fact Emily is usually open to try anything at least once and there are less than a handful of things she "doesn't like" and even those things she will usually try each time. The message from her doctor is always the same. She is growing and she is healthy. One doctor even said that she would take 10 kids Emily's size rather than one who is on the higher end of the growth chart and are at risk of becoming diabetic. So we nod and encourage her to eat.

Last night after dinner Bret and I laughed when Emily asked if she could have 3 cookies for dessert instead of two. We told her that if she ate the first two she could have a third and of course by the time she finished she didn't want any more. Palmer on the other hand would have ate the entire bag had we let him.

Emily had to get one shot and they both got the flu mist (same as the shot except you inhale it...something about a live virus). One thing that Emily does not do well is get shots. She started screaming so loud (before they even gave her the shot) that I had to hold my hand over her mouth. Once it was all said and done she wouldn't move that arm the rest of the night. On the way home she did ask if we could have McDonald's to celebrate the fact that she was so brave and got her shots. I agree with Emily...just because you screamed the whole time doesn't mean you weren't still brave. LOL

Um...

Yesterday I went to an all day workshop for work. I am new to the PA financial aid circle so of course I didn't know anyone. Luckily everyone was rather friendly.

At one point during lunch one of the women asked me if I had any children. When I told them that I had a 5 year old, 2 1/2 year old, and was expecting our third they looked at me shocked. Several then commented that they didn't even realize I was pregnant. They then asked me how far a long I was and when I told them I was almost 30 weeks a few jaws hit the table.

I have had a lot of women make this same comment to me. Last weekend Bret and I took the kids to get their haircut and both of the stylist were pregnant. Again it came up that I was pregnant and they asked me to stand up because they couldn't tell and was finding it hard to believe. They found it even harder to believe when they found out I was a few months further along than either one of them.

I haven't gained a lot of weight this pregnancy which has been awesome. Part of me feels really good when they act so surprised to find out. I find myself constantly comparing myself to other women who have close due dates and the bottom line is that I'm just not showing as much..yet.

The only thing that kind of bugs me is that when people don't realize that I'm pregnant they are probably just assuming I'm over weight. I would much rather be "the cute pregnant woman" than the "might be pregnant but probably just fat woman" that no one wants to assume cause they might be wrong.

I have been the mom whose kid asks another woman if it's a boy or girl only to find out that she is not pregnant. *sigh* I guess the good news is that if someone does assume I don't have to get insulted about it.

Smile

First off...I got a new car! I am soo excited and totally in love. In fact I am more excited than I am worried about whether or not we are going to be able to afford it. I got a Dodge Journey. It is perfect and did I mention that I love it?

Things have been going really well lately. I couldn't ask for a smoother pregnancy (I've only gained 8 lbs...who can complain about that?), work is going fine, drama with my family has been at a minimum, and Bret & I have been getting along really great.

Sometimes when I look around and realize how well things are going I have to stop myself from worrying about the other shoe dropping. I tend to do that...you know worry about what might happen to make things not so great anymore. I try really hard not to let it take away from the happiness of living in the now but it's a mental exercise that I consciously have to execute.

So today I have chosen to smile instead. I saw my friend this morning and we waved and smiled at each other as I was leaving for work. She is a week past her due date today and she smiled at me. So when I get the urge to worry about what "might" happen I plan to think of her and smile.

Vroom Vroom

One thing in life that I could really care less about is the car that I drive. As long as it is reliable, in reasonably good shape (aka not an eye sore), then I am pretty much good to go. I have had only 3 cars in my entire life and none of which did I ever go and purchase for myself. I did test drive the last car that we bought but that was about it. My dad bought the first two (OK so the first one was actually his that he gave to me) and the last one Bret went and bought.

As the bill payer in our family I am always more worried about whether or not we can afford it. So when it comes time to buying a new vehicle I sit down and punch the numbers. I figure out the monthly payment we can afford, contact the insurance company too see what the difference might be there, and figure out how much out of pocket we have (to pay for tags, taxes, etc). Then I look to see if financing at our credit union or bank is a better deal and if so I work with them to secure the loan. I then give Bret a bottom line number of what we can afford for the monthly payment.

Bret then goes online and researches what type of car we can afford and fits our needs. We have then gone and test drove it if it was for me. If the new vehicle is for Bret then he goes and test drives it himself. The next time I get involved is when he calls to give me updates and when he asks me to come sign the paperwork. I wouldn't change our arrangement for the world.

I have no desire to wheel and deal with car dealerships. When we lived in KS we were lucky that our closest friend sold cars. I trust Bret completely and knock on wood we have never had a problem.

The car that I drive now is a 2002 Saturn L200. I love that little car. It get great gas mileage and we have not had a single problem with it since we bought it. It's perfect except one thing....only two car seats will fit in the backseat. Realizing a third car seat will be required in just a few short months we have been faced with the reality of needing a bigger vehicle. So we have been shopping for a new vehicle for the past few months.

Money is still definitely an issue for us. Knowing that my income level will be different after the baby (whether from paying for more daycare or working part time from home) which makes our new household budget a little unknown. We have been going back and forth on a mini van or the new crossover vehicles. I have to say that I LOVE the crossovers. They are not quite as big as a van but with our young children they are actually quite perfect. I was a little surprised at how expensive the vans were even used.

Now that the research, budgeting, and financing are done now comes the part where Bret goes shopping. I'm not sure what it is about guys and buying cars but it's the one thing Bret could shop for all day. Seeing as he has today and tomorrow pretty much off I bet you can guess what he is out doing. It always makes me a little nervous when we make a major purchase. There is a lot of security in knowing what our budget it and adding money to our monthly bills always makes me uneasy. On the other hand I am super excited. Maybe after mommy gets a new car Palmer will be just as excited to ride in mommy's car as he is to ride in daddy's truck. Although probably not since it's not a truck. :)

Think Before You Pink

October is breast cancer awareness month which is a cause that is near and dear to my heart. My cousin, aunt, grandmother, and several great aunts are all survivors of breast cancer. Not quite a year ago a good friend's mother relapsed and passed away.

For a long time I thought that by purchasing everything pink that I saw I was truly giving to a cause that was so important to me. Then after doing more research I realized that it was what I originally thought it was. For example this article talks about how some companies are not giving anything to the cause just exploiting people's inclination to think that they are when they see pink. Some companies have caps or give such a small percentage of the sale that the over price is just taking advantage again.

So although I don't want to discourage anyone from giving to this excellent cause I want to make sure that everyone thinks before they jump into the pink world. The things that I remember that made the biggest impact on the survivors that I know had little to do with donations made to their cause.

My cousin tells me that someone from her work or her husband's brought or bought dinner EVERY SINGLE night of her entire treatment. Sometimes it was just a matter of gift certificates to Pizza Hut. In case you were wondering she had 10 weeks of treatment. She also had people come and keep her company during the day when she had treatments, they cleaned her house, babysat her kids, and ran errands. People sent her everything from homemade breads, a lap quilt, books, cards, flowers, and on and on.

Their time, prayers, and honest acts of kindness has forever touched her family and will be remembered forever.

So beside being conscious of how we spend our charitable funds I want to remind all of us that it's not just about the money. We don't have a lot of money to give but that doesn't mean we don't have a lot to give.

The other side of October awareness month is to be self diligent. Self exams and annual mammograms are SO important. My cousin that I mentioned found the lump on her breast less than a month after her mammogram. She told me that at first she had convinced herself that it couldn't be anything since she was just in to the doctor not more than a few weeks before. Deciding to be safe rather than sorry she went in to see her doctor right away and was told that she had in fact a very aggressive type of breast cancer.

Moral of the story is FEEL YOUR BOOBIES!

I just want breakfast!

It's Thursday and we didn't get groceries this week. Top that with the fact that I was running late this morning it means that I didn't pack anything to take to work for my breakfast. Seeing as how I'm trying to grow a human being these days I am starving by the time I get to work.

The school that I work at does not take credit cards on campus. ANYWHERE. Instead you can have money put on your school ID and use it as a declining balance card. Problem...I lost my ID several months ago and never got it replaced. Last time I was stuck in this situation I had talked to Student Accounts and they just charged my credit card to the account number. I took my ID number with me to the cafe and whala...I got food. Score!

This morning, however, the same person who let me do this a week or so ago tells me that she can't help me because they have to have the actual ID. This was of course after I could smell my everything bagel that was toasted and waiting for me. I explained that I lost it and that I just hadn't gotten it replaced yet and she continues to lecture me on how I said this before a long time ago and I just need to get it taken care of. I told her that I didn't have a lot of time to run all the way across campus to public safety and she looked at me like I was insane. I think at that point she finally realized that I was staff but by that time I was done and left...without the bagel they were holding hostage.

I went to public safety (b/c again I'm pregnant and starving) and got my new ID. I asked if it needed time to activate and was told no it was ready to go. I go back to the cafe and another person gets me a new bagel (cause I guess the old one was thrown away) and when she rings me up she tells me there is no money on my account (which I know is not true cause I checked before I started this whole ordeal). Again I left...without my bagel.

I get back to my office still hungry and student accounts calls to ask for help with a student. I mention my ordeal with the new ID and she checks and says there is no reason why my account shouldn't be working. I laugh and tell her to forget it and next thing I know she is walking over to the cafe with me. Again I was told that there was no money on my account. The student accounts person walks back to the food management office and that person calls the girl and walks her through it. Not sure what happened that time around but it worked.

I am thrilled that I can now go get my food when the food services manager asks me why I didn't already have the food with me. Long story short but when they found out that I was turned away without my bagel 3 times they were not happy. I'm staff, it's a small school, service excellence, not to mention it was like $1.50 that we were talking about. You get the idea.

I'm just glad I got a fresh toasted bagel with cream cheese. I was starving.

Time & Motivation

There is nothing that I love more than giving people gift's that I have made myself. Recently some of my most favorite idea and craft blogs have been featuring a ton of Christmas gift tutorials and ideas. There are so many things that I see and think "hey I could make that" and I can usually think of a few people in my life who would love it too.

The problem always comes down to two things. First is the time. Evenings are not like they used to be. We have piano lessons, soccer practice, Bret stays late at least one day a week, and other activities that demand time and attention. Weekends are full with everything else. By the time dinner is done and the kids are bathed and in bed I am beat. I keep hoping for just a tiny bit of energy so that I can work on something fun but the temptation to sit on the couch and watch Bret play video games or watch a movie or lay in bed and read is so overwhelming that my unfinished projects lay untouched.

Which leads to the second problem, motivation. I don't know why I do it but getting something started is so hard for me to do. I never have a problem finishing an activity since I am usually pretty excited to see how it turns out and better yet to actually give the project to someone (if it's a gift).

So here I sit looking over countless ideas and still thinking about how much fun I would have picking out fabric and how much so and so would just LOVE that gift and think to myself. Hmmm, maybe I will just support the other moms out there that are doing it already. That way I feel good about supporting another mom and I still get the handmade gift. My most recent obsession has been diaper bags.

Of course knowing me I can't just look for a handmade diaper bag...no of course not. I want the bag with all of the fun accessories that match. I mean if you are going to go handmade then what's the point if not to get a nursing cover with bag, diaper cloths, blanket, wipe cover, diaper clutch, changing pad, and one of those key chain wrist things that all have the same fabric? So I have been pouring over sites and of course Etsy to pick out my favorites. What's funny is that so far I have found sets with some of the things not all so I will continue to look. I figure since I'm not buying much this time around for baby I might as well splurge on something I will use all the time.

Since I have accepted that I will probably not be making my own set anytime soon I can now go look for someone else to make it for me :)

Say Boo!

Our family has always dressed up for Halloween. Sometimes it's nothing more than putting on scrubs, white coat, scrub hat, etc but you get the idea...we still dress up.

The year I was pregnant with Palmer I took the easy route and dressed like a doctor. What can I say? It was super comfy. This year I am trying to come up with something more creative and fun.

My belly is not HUGE but you can tell I am pregnant and so I am brainstorming ideas. It has to be family appropriate b/c we take our kids trick or treating but otherwise I'm pretty open. I'm not real crazy about the idea of painting my belly becuase 1) it's cold and 2) my belly is not that pretty.

So here are some of the ideas that I have come up with. Let me know if you have other ideas or which idea you like best.

* Pregnant Nurse & Doctor
* Angel & Devil
* Shot gun wedding couple (It might be funnier if I am the overweight groom and Bret is the pregnant bride)
* Pauly & Juno (who wouldn't want to see Bret in some AWESOME track shorts?)
* Pregnant cheerleader & football player (and since we love Glee of course we would be Quinn & Finn)
* Magic eight ball (I like this idea but am not sure what Bret would be)

Birthdays and Birthdays and Christmas OH MY!

In Bret and I's family the majority of the birthdays fall between October and January. Right in the middle there of course is Christmas. I am sure that we are not alone in that the holidays always hit hard financially. Besides the presents, trip back to KS, and Palmer's birthday this year we also have a baby coming right smack in the middle of it all.

So about a year ago anticipating all of these upcoming expenses Bret and I sat down (OK so let's be honest here...I sat down and just updated him as I went along) and came up with a budget. How much we were going to spend on each person's birthday, Palmer's party, Christmas presents, trip money, and of course medical expenses. Then I divided it up by pay period and whala...we have a savings account for just these expenses.

At first it was hard to let go of that extra income but it didn't take long before we hardly noticed the money was missing. The key for us was to have it out of sight out of mind (aka in a different account at a different bank) in our credit union account that we have through the hospital. Every now and then I check the balance and have just a little bit of a giddy feeling seeing that money is there.

I mentioned a few weeks ago that we booked a party at a local bounce house for Palmer's bday and so that is already paid for out of that account. It feels really good to know that we are going to have to eat mac'n cheese or rack up credit card debt this year. It also helps us to decide what to get the kids and each other for Christmas since we have a set budget.

Some of you may know that I am a BIG Black Friday shopper and am anxiously anticipating the first few ads to leak any day now. Bret has to work again on Friday and so far we don't have any family coming into town so it will probably be a quick trip at least to start with but I'm not worried. Realizing I'm going to be pretty pregnant this year a quick few stops may be all that I have in me after picking which line to stand in. In the words of my 5 year old I'M SOO EXCITED!

Pass or Fail

So I finally did it. I went to the lab last night after work and got my glucose test done. Although I will be the first to admit that I have been putting it off as long as possible it's also not the easiest thing to fit into my schedule. I didn't want to take off work and I take and pick up the kids from daycare everyday. That meant either going really early in the morning before Bret left for work or going right after I drop the kids at home assuming Bret is running on time.

So all excuses aside I had to have the test done before 28 weeks and my next doctor's appointment that is coming up. For those of you lucky enough to not have ever experienced this test it's actually pretty simple. You go to the lab they give you the most sugary drink that is like orange pop with and extra two cups of sugar to drink. Once finishing it you go back out to the waiting room for an hour and then come back in to have two vials of blood drawn. Pretty simple..huh?

This test is really not that bad. So why am I avoiding it you ask. It's because this is the third time I have taken this test and the first two times I failed it. This is the first test to determine if you have gestational diabetes. If you fail the one hour test then you get to take a three hour test and this test is no fun at all.

You have to take this test fasting and during the three hours you are not allowed to eat or drink anything. Every hour (or maybe half hour?) you get to pee in a cup (if you can) and have your blood drawn. Besides the fun of waiting for three hours I usually always get light headed and nauseous too. Top that with the fear that I really don't want to have gestational diabetes. So here I am crossing my fingers that I passed but I won't be holding my breath about it either.

Halloween Fun!

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Names

Lot's of people have asked me if I regret not finding out the sex of our baby. I don't....well except one minor detail. We don't have any names. Coming up with a name is always such a hard decision and now that we have to come up with both a boy and a girl name it seems pretty overwhelming. When I say have we have no names I don't mean that we can't agree or narrow it down. I mean we don't even have a list of possibilities.

Emily was a name that was always at the top of our list. In fact so was Grace as a middle name. We talked a lot about the fact that Emily was a very common name for her generation but in the end we didn't care. Emily Grace was her name and although we didn't really make it official until she came I always kind of hung on to that name knowing that eventually all others would be ruled out.

Palmer's name was a Bret thing. I have no idea where he even heard it but once it got in his head it stuck. It took nine months for it to grow on me but in the end I liked it. I like the fact that it's different but not weird or hard to spell/pronounce.

In discussions about this baby's name we have found that there is nothing similar about Emily & Palmer's name yet they seem to go together OK. We kind of like the last name as a first name idea and we like some older names. We have extensively gone through the list of older family member names and still draw a blank. Here are some of the family names that we have to choose from...lol.

Myrna
Mary
Leonard Harlan
George Alan
Frances Ann
Elmer
Beatta
Bernard
Vincent
Laverna
Joe
Manuel
Carmen
Spicer

Granted I picked some of the worst but these are our grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. Bret has 3 uncle Elmer's.

Bret's mom's name is Rosalee and I love Rose for a middle name. In fact had pretty much set on that until one day Bret's younger sister asked to use that middle name for her first daughter. It's her mother what was I supposed to say? We have some time yet (what like 13 weeks...yikes!) but it would still make me feel lots better if we had it narrowed down just a little.

Need a Receipt

My grandmother was always the "expert" cook in our family. If you needed to know how to make something you would give her a call. She loved that her family was cooking and she loved that she felt "needed" when you called her. She would always ask "so you need a receipt?" as her joking way of asking if you needed a recipe.

For high school graduation she gave me one of my most treasured gifts. She hand wrote all of her favorite recipes. Everything from canning pickles, banana bread, several cake recipes, jelly recipes, pies, cookies, Christmas candy, casseroles, bread, the list goes on. There has to be over 50 recipes that she wrote out for me on recipe cards that either say "Grandma's kitchen" or from the kitchen of Frances Harnish. I have always loved having these recipes in her hand writing but now that she is forever gone I treasure them even more. I think of her always when I go to pull out one of her receipts.

Bret was working yesterday and it was the most amazing fall day. I had some apples that I need to make something with and was not in the mood for pie or crisp. I went to my trustee recipes and found one for her infamous Chip Apple Cake. Several years ago my second cousin made this cake for 4-H and it got a blue ribbon at state. GM was so proud that she renamed it the Blue Ribbon Chip Apple Cake. LOL

As I looked over the recipe to make sure I had all of the ingredients I noticed that the cake recipe didn't call for any flour. Strange. So I called my aunt Jeanie to clarify before I started my cake. She laughed and said that yes, the cake did indeed call for flour and that GM must have left it off. Some of her recipes she had made for so long she would write them off from memory. I also noticed that my recipe called for more cinnamon and nutmeg and aunt Jeanie's didn't. My aunt thought it ironic that I had called about this specific recipe since she had made the same cake just last week and her oldest daughter had mentioned after church that she was going to make it also. My cousin who was making had mentioned that her recipe from GM also called for Nutmeg and had the same amount of cinnamon as mine.

It was so bitter sweet to know that we were all thinking about her and strangely in the same way (even the same recipe) but at the same time we couldn't call her up and ask about the Nutmeg or tell her how much we enjoyed the cake. Which of course we did. It's not the frosted type of cake so I wasn't sure what the kids would think but they loved it..nuts and all. So if you are looking for an amazing way to get into the fall spirit here is GM's most loved receipt.

GM's Blue Ribbon Chip Apple Cake

4 c peeled/chopped apples
2 c sugar
2 sticks margarine
2 tsp soda
1/2 tsp salt
2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
3 c flour
1 c chopped walnuts.

Mix sugar in with apples and let sit for 10 minutes. Melt margarine and pour over apples. Stir in remaining ingredients. Spray and flour your pan. You can use a 9x13 pan or I use a bunt pan. Bake at 350 for 50 minutes or until your knife comes out clean. You can glaze it with a simple powdered sugar/apple juice glaze or we like it just plain. Enjoy!

Winds of Change

Change is a scary thing. Everyone has a different level of tolerance for how much change they can take before it scares the crap out of them. Change had never really frightened me until we had to pick up and move half way across the country. We experienced so much change in such a short period of time that it was quite overwhelming.

However, the good news from all of this was that my new level of change tolerance increased significantly. Moving, starting over, etc is much much less scary. It also helps to know that the next time all of this will take place we will have a lot more control over it (ie when Bret gets a job after residency).

Even having a third baby isn't nearly as big of change in our lives as it was for us to have the first. Yes the dynamic, time management, and just the sheer number of kids impacts our family a lot but over all for the most part we are not as scared this time around of the changes...mostly because we know a little more about what to expect.

I have mentioned before that Bret and I are not really sure how we are going to manage the finance aspects of having a third small child. Not that we are broke but there is a line for most families that have to working parents and kids in daycare where you start to question the value of the second parent working when most of that earned income goes right back out. We are at that point with the third child. I, personally, have been doing a lot of soul searching for what makes me happy. While there is still a lot that I don't know I do know that I need balance. I need lots of flexibility and having one parent always available to my kids is really important to me.

So the other day my ears perked up at work when my boss mentioned that they were trying to figure out a way to hire additional staff. The words part-time, temporary, etc started floating around and I started thinking. After talking things over with Bret I decided to put myself out there. I talked to my boss about the possibility of me working part time from home. I even mentioned the forbidden work "temporary". I was honest and put myself out there letting her know my concerns about having our third child and not knowing for sure what our plans were for when Bret is done with residency. Much to my astonishment my boss was interested..more than interested...she was enthused. A few days later she came back to me and said that she had pitched the idea to our VP and they want me to write up a proposal.

While part of me is REALLY excited about this prospect the other part is really nervous. I have never worked from home. I know that this is a new type of balance. I think that if done the right way this opportunity can really benefit my department and me (and of course my family). On the other hand it is really scary giving up my full time job in the economic climate that we are in. It feels really vulnerable telling my boss that we will probably be leaving PA. If this all doesn't work out I'm not sure what this will all mean for my job. Writing this proposal feels very overwhelming and I'm not sure where to even begin. I don't know what to expect as for a change in pay. I don't want to get stuck in a bad situation but I really want to give this a chance.

I have said before that the one thing I have learned in my life is to trust God. He has always provided for us. He will guide me. My heart knows this. My head still feels the need to stress and worry over it. Everything is a long ways from being finalized but I feel like this has been what I have been hoping for and now that the opportunity has presented itself I am a little freaked. We shall see.

Resent

When we first moved to PA resent was something that I had a really hard dealing with almost daily. I resented the program back home that didn't take us. I resented all of the employers that told me I was overqualified or worse that I was great but that they were going to hire someone else. I resented the long hours that Bret was working and felt that it was his fault I was so alone. I resented the tiny apartment we were living in b/c we sold our house. I resented having to quit a job that I loved. I resented the local mom's that were less than friendly to me. Mostly I resented Bret and his job.

It took a long time and a lot of fights/crying/love for me to not "blame" Bret for how miserable I felt. I was homesick/lonely/depressed and desperately wanted things to go back to the way they were before we moved. At one point it was so bad that Bret was going to quit. He even talked to the program back home about starting his intern year over again the following year so that we could move home. It was at this point when I felt that I had reached bottom and Bret was trying to throw me a rope that I realized that I needed an attitude adjustment. We have come a LONG way from that point. However, every now and then the resent comes creeping back. Not so much with Bret but with the job and career that he has chosen.

I resent the long hours, the weekends and holidays that have to be worked. I resent the fact that I can make an excellent dinner for it to get cold because Bret got caught at the hospital. I resent the fact that we are constantly late for everything because there is no time clock at the hospital. I resent the fact that he has to miss important events in our kids' lives because of work. I resent the fact that missing work for a sick day for himself, one of the kids or me is frowned upon and sometimes just not possible. I resent the fact that when I need to talk to him it's not always possible...no matter how urgent it may be. I resent the fact that when he does get a chance to call me back it has to be quick..there is almost never any down time. I resent the fact that for several weeks at a time I sleep alone because he is at the hospital overnight. I resent the fact that the kids are always more surprised when he is home than when he is at work. I resent the nurse who calls to tell me that Dr. Heskett will be delayed several hours and that's if a nurse is available to make the call. I resent the fact that our lives revolve around his job. I resent the fact that little to none of this will ever change even after residency will be over.

Most of the time I have learned to deal with it. I pick my battles and try to let the little things go. I have accepted that sometimes he just won't be home for dinner and that it's not worth waiting or for the kids and I to starve. I have learned his schedule better than he knows it and try to make things easier for him to make it. I am trying to not set myself up for disappointment and to remember that it's not Bret "choosing" work over us. I hold onto the hope that eventually it will get easier not because his job will change but because we will become more used to it. Sometimes I wish for an 8 to 5 job. I wish that he would chose a specialty with an easier lifestyle. No matter what I wish for deep down I know that I just want him to be happy and I think he is. Sometimes knowing that is enough. Other times it's not. Other times I can feel the resent building. Sometimes the cost of this financial security seems pretty steep. I cling to the Lord for grace and patience. I quiet the resentment and remember how far we have come already.