When we first moved to PA resent was something that I had a really hard dealing with almost daily. I resented the program back home that didn't take us. I resented all of the employers that told me I was overqualified or worse that I was great but that they were going to hire someone else. I resented the long hours that Bret was working and felt that it was his fault I was so alone. I resented the tiny apartment we were living in b/c we sold our house. I resented having to quit a job that I loved. I resented the local mom's that were less than friendly to me. Mostly I resented Bret and his job.

It took a long time and a lot of fights/crying/love for me to not "blame" Bret for how miserable I felt. I was homesick/lonely/depressed and desperately wanted things to go back to the way they were before we moved. At one point it was so bad that Bret was going to quit. He even talked to the program back home about starting his intern year over again the following year so that we could move home. It was at this point when I felt that I had reached bottom and Bret was trying to throw me a rope that I realized that I needed an attitude adjustment. We have come a LONG way from that point. However, every now and then the resent comes creeping back. Not so much with Bret but with the job and career that he has chosen.

I resent the long hours, the weekends and holidays that have to be worked. I resent the fact that I can make an excellent dinner for it to get cold because Bret got caught at the hospital. I resent the fact that we are constantly late for everything because there is no time clock at the hospital. I resent the fact that he has to miss important events in our kids' lives because of work. I resent the fact that missing work for a sick day for himself, one of the kids or me is frowned upon and sometimes just not possible. I resent the fact that when I need to talk to him it's not always possible...no matter how urgent it may be. I resent the fact that when he does get a chance to call me back it has to be quick..there is almost never any down time. I resent the fact that for several weeks at a time I sleep alone because he is at the hospital overnight. I resent the fact that the kids are always more surprised when he is home than when he is at work. I resent the nurse who calls to tell me that Dr. Heskett will be delayed several hours and that's if a nurse is available to make the call. I resent the fact that our lives revolve around his job. I resent the fact that little to none of this will ever change even after residency will be over.

Most of the time I have learned to deal with it. I pick my battles and try to let the little things go. I have accepted that sometimes he just won't be home for dinner and that it's not worth waiting or for the kids and I to starve. I have learned his schedule better than he knows it and try to make things easier for him to make it. I am trying to not set myself up for disappointment and to remember that it's not Bret "choosing" work over us. I hold onto the hope that eventually it will get easier not because his job will change but because we will become more used to it. Sometimes I wish for an 8 to 5 job. I wish that he would chose a specialty with an easier lifestyle. No matter what I wish for deep down I know that I just want him to be happy and I think he is. Sometimes knowing that is enough. Other times it's not. Other times I can feel the resent building. Sometimes the cost of this financial security seems pretty steep. I cling to the Lord for grace and patience. I quiet the resentment and remember how far we have come already.


Bea said...

Goodness, I could have written this word for word. I'm incredibly resentful. I try to keep it at bay, but some days I just can't. We had one of those nights two days ago. (We haven't made it to the 'I'm seriously going to quit' stage but we've gotten close). Then last night was better. Tonight night float starts so I'm anticipating more resentment is coming soon. I'm praying for you, me, and all the other resident's wives out there. It's so tough.

LegalMist said...

Oh, how I feel for you... it is hard to wait and hope and be disappointed time and again.

As the spouse on the other side of this situation (the attorney who sometimes has to work late to prepare for trial or file papers with the Court, and a spouse who sometimes resents it), all I can do is reassure you that you are right, it is not about "choosing" work over family. It is about doing what you have to do to keep your job and career, and trying as hard as you can to balance that with some semblance of a family life.

I resent it as much, or more, than my husband does when I can't be there for a family event or even dinner sometimes.

I've worked hard to get to a place in my career where I am home most nights and can make it to most family and school events. But it took years of "paying my dues" - working long hours and holidays when necessary, and at someone else's direction or whim - until I had the necessary experience and knowledge to open my own law firm and set my own, much more reasonable, hours!

Hang in there. Rest assured, he loves you all and would be home if he could be home. And hopefully as the years go by and he gets more experience and more seniority and/or is able to choose a better schedule or even open his own medical practice, he will be home more and more, or at least more regularly.

Good luck to you!