Better Mental Health

I had a great weekend. We had nothing planned and just spent some time getting errands ran and hanging out as a fam. It was really nice. One thing that I did do this weekend was scrapbook for the first time since we moved to PA. I used to scrapbook all the time. Me and some of my friends would get together with a few bottles of wine and scrapbook into the wee hours of the morning. It was fabulous. I haven't really met ANYONE who scrapbooks here in PA. I am sure that I could find a group but it is much better if you are just friends with someone who scrapbooks and you decided to do that together rather than see a movie or something. Anyways since we didn't have anything going on Sat afternoon and everyone else was taking a nap I decided to pull my stuff out and see what I could get through.

It was awesome and I totally got lost in my task. I got a lot done and it was so much fun. I scrapbooked for 4 hours and it felt like five minutes.

I tagged this post mental health because last year was really rough for me and I feel like I have come full circle. A year ago Palmer was in the hospital, I wasn't working, I was super depressed, money was awful, and we were desperately searching for a way to move back to KS. There were days where I would sit on the couch and cry for no reason other than I was just that miserable. (I wonder what that did to my kids' mental health).

Staying home was never really the source of my depression. I loved staying home with my kids and some days that fun was all that I had getting me out of bed everyday. Emily and I are closer than we have ever been and I am extremely thankful that I have that. However, not having any money and not being able to find a job since I was looking was part of the issue. The other part of the issue was loneliness and homesickness. Interns work so much that it literally felt like me and the kids were dropped on this new planet.

Although we are still searching for close friends we have made great lengths at meeting new people. I have been back to work for 9 months and while money is not great it is much better. The kids are happy and healthy and Bret's hours are slowly but surely getting better. It's funny that something as simple as getting out an old hobby of mine reminded me of how far we have come. People always told us that moving away from family would make our family closer and for a LONG time I thought they were crazy but in reality they were really right.

GM

Today is my grandmother's birthday. I believe she is 92 or 93 (I know it is terrible that I don't remember exactly how old she is but after 90 the years sort of run together). So even though she has NEVER even seen a computer other than at someone elses house, this post is in her honor.

My grandmother, Frances, was by far the most influential woman in my life. Not that my mom didn't have a big impact on me but the reverence that I had for my grandmother could not be matched. My dad was the youngest child by over 10 years and thus my next closest cousin in age is 12 years older than me and lived in Texas most of his life. So when my sister and I were born it was almost like being the only grandkids and we were spoiled rotten. My cousins and I have always referred to our grandparents by GM & GP.

I say that GM was the most influential woman in my life because to me she was the example. She has always been a quiet and reserved woman. She was a devoted wife, mother, Catholic, daughter, sister, and friend. She ALWAYS believed the best of everyone. She was married to my grandfather for 60 years before he passed. Their marriage was one of love, compassion, and a deep mutual respect. GM doted on GP but GP respected her and even when I was a small child I saw and understood that.

As a mother she was loving but firm. She raised her children to be respectful and to find their place in the world. As a Catholic she never missed church and feel asleep every night holding her rosary which she prayed faithfully. She taught me to let God, which I think is one of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn. Although I never met her mother I have heard stories about how she brought her FIL in to live with them so they could take care of him and of how she visited her mother several times a week. Her relationship with her siblings have been rocky over the years but she was the one who throughout the disagreements worked to find peace and bring them closer together again. As a friend she was one of the best. Taking care of them when they were sick or down, always inviting in the outcast. There was a woman in town that smelled so bad and was so dirty that all of us had to swallow down bile to be near her. She was known for lifting her dress and squatting right there in GM's yard. Yet GM never let her know that she knew and never thought twice about offering her a cup of tea and to sit in her kitchen to visit (even though it would take the rest of the day to air out). She did always refuse the coffee or cookies that the woman offered us (she wasn't that nice and knew that the woman had over 20 cats living with her).

GM was a fabulous cook and used food to soothe the soul. She has more patience than anyone I know. She always took the time to get me an apron and let me help with everything she did. The weeks I would spend at her house in the summers were some of the happiest in my life. They lived on a tiny farm in a tiny town in Kansas. While there we would make cookies, she taught me to cross stitch and crochet, we pumped water from the well to water the flowers, weeded the garden, fed and gather eggs from the chickens, hung the laundry on the line to dry, and walked to church and back every Sunday. Their home was safe and warm place where everyone was welcome.

When our family would all gather for the holidays a favorite quote always came to mind.."Because two people fell in love". To me that was the story line. GM & GP fell in love and together they created this family with many generations to come. Not only did she create this family but she nurtured it too. I remember when my cousin at the tender age of 20 moved to Alaska with her husband and 4 month old baby my grandmother dried her tears and wrote to her weekly to soothe homesickness that followed. On my wedding day she told my husband that he was a good man and that GP would be proud to call him his grandson. When I shocking found out I was pregnant she was the first person I told (after Bret) and she cried tears of joy and eased some of my deepest fears of motherhood.

GM was not famous. In fact very few people outside her family and the small town that she lived in her whole life had ever heard of her. She was also not outspoken or one to lecture. Instead she set the example with her own actions and made me want to make her proud. I hope that I lead a life as honorable as hers. I strive to be the things that she was and will always be.

Oh there's no place like home...

For the holidays. So it is Christmas eve and I am at work for half a day and Bret is at work until tomorrow morning. This is the first year that we have been away from home for Christmas. I really didn't think it would bother me this much because we are leaving for home on Saturday. It is hard. I am thrilled that Kyla (Dr. Heskett's sister) and her fiance Lucas are here to spend the holiday because it really makes it much much better. This morning my coworker that goes to the same church as I do was talking to me about what mass we were going to. I told her that although it would be nice to go tonight it wouldn't feel right going without Bret so we are going to go in the morning. I starting thing about the many years of midnight mass with my parents and Brets and I realized how homesick I am. I felt horrible because she then gave me a very creative gift and I started to cry. It was kind of funny because the gift was very nonsentimental...it was a sampler of all things Berks County (ie Berks beer, Faller's pretzels, a couple ghost story books, etc) and here I was with tears streaming down my cheeks. She got that I was just homesick.

I am hoping that once I get off work today I won't have time to be home sick. We are taking dinner to the hospital to spend part of Christmas eve with Dr. Heskett. After I get off work I need to hit the bank, pick up some beer, stop at the grocery store, get a couple loads of laundry done, and try to clean the house a little. Call me my mother's child but I want a clean house for Christmas.

Sometime tonight I still have a ton of wrapping to do for Santa gifts. Tomorrow morning we are having a big breakfast, church and then presents (I'm not 100% on the order). Then in the evening we are having Christmas dinner after Dr. Heskett gets some sleep. I realized this year that at least for a while our holiday tradition on when we open our gifts will depend on when Dr. Heskett works and that is fine.

The excitement level at our house with the kids has reached an all time high. I think this is the first year that both kids are excited and at a great age. They won't be disappointed. After Christmas I have a few things left to buy for the family in KS and I need to pack. At some point I also need to take kids back to the airport. It is going to be a busy week in deed.

I hope that all of you have a safe and happy holiday. I wish the warmest thoughts your way. Merry Christmas!