Bret had a big presentation due today. Every month one of the chief residents looks at all of the OB data over the course of the past month and then presents the information to the department as part of their morning conference. It takes about 15-20 hours to compile this data and presentation and it is very tedious work as you have to review a lot of files for both moms and babies. Every other month they do the same think only for GYN. Needless to say this is one of the least liked chief jobs.
Bret is no stranger to the work load these presentations require. He also knows about a month in advance when his turn is due. Which is why it makes perfect sense that he starts to work on them the day before they are due (Sunday). It also makes perfect sense why after working on the presentation for 6 hours you wouldn't have saved in a very long time and then about 2 hours after that you still didn't learn to save and have to start pretty much from scratch when the computer runs out of battery because it came unplugged. Perfect sense.
So on Sunday afternoon I had one of those moments. A moment when I do some serious internal dialogue with myself when deciding whether or not to push an issue with Bret. Emily had her last soccer game of the season at one on Sunday. We also had snack duty and it was a beautiful day outside. So far that day I cleaned the entire apartment and did four loads of laundry. I mentioned to Bret that we needed to stop and pick up the snack on our way because I didn't have enough time to buy groceries before hand. He thought for a minute and then mentioned that maybe he could skip this one and stay home and work.
I have these moments all the time where I go through this inner debate with myself. Do I say something about the fact that it is her last game of the season and she had was expecting him to be there. Dad missing a game is a big deal when he is working and him missing one when he is technically not working is even more tough to explain. Do I push even harder and mention that he had a month to work on this or even the entire day before (that instead he watch football all day)?
My husband works long hard hours. Anyone who can come home and fall asleep at the dining room table during dinner with our kids is really really exhausted. The stress is immense and life is a constant balancing act. I act as a buffer. I filter what needs to be done and what can be let go. I find myself making excuses for him. Daddy is really tired and grumpy. Daddy is working. Daddy is really sorry he missed it. I make excuses for him to myself. Bret is post call and had a rough night so I will wait and ask him to clean Lulu's cage tomorrow (even though I have been asking him almost every night for three days now). I will go ahead and take out the trash because he is on call this weekend and it will probably not get done and then on Monday he will most likely be a zombie. Bret has a lot going at work right now so he doesn't mean to be such a lazy ass.
I know he is trying. Is he trying his hardest everyday? Eh. Maybe.
I know that things are tough right now. But so do I.
So this is why I have my internal debate.
One of the art forms of marriage is learning to choose your battles. Is it worth the fight? If I fight this battle I may weaken the ranks for the next one. On the softer side do I make him feel bad? Bret didn't want to miss Emily's soccer game. I know that. However, at the end of the day it was his dumb ass that waited until the last minute and Emily shouldn't have to pay for that.
We are getting better at working together to prioritize. For me to stop nagging all the time and instead help support him. To remind him and the instead of getting pissed I communicate. I tell him, Bret you need to change Lulu's cage tonight b/c you won't do it tomorrow b/c you are on call or the night after that b/c you will be post call and it's the second night I asked you to take care of it. Bret is also trying to do better about writing us into the schedule and picking up the slack at home. It is still a dance that we are learning the steps to but we are working on it.
Sometimes though, there are no excuses. Like the fact that my 30th birthday is less than two weeks away and Bret has made no plans yet. Not one. I have reminded him and made sutel hints for months now. There are no excuses..he better come through with at least a great cake and gifts.