The first time I was pregnant I read the "What to expect when you are expecting" book that is the standard classic book for all new moms. I remember reading the part that talked about bringing home your baby and the first few months. It talked about the hormones, roller coaster emotions, feeling over whelmed, and other feelings I would potentially go through. It also talked about how a lot of babies go through a brief colicky period at some point that just added to the mix.
With Emily I experienced a period shortly after she was born of baby blues. I would get emotional over the smallest things and would cry a lot. It lasted a short few weeks and then I was fine. With Palmer it lasted a few weeks longer. I got overwhelmed very easily. About two weeks after Palmer was born my mom was staying with us. I had gotten some gift cards to Target and wanted to get out of the house and thought this would be an easy venture out. To make a long story short I forgot nursing pads, the baby started to cry shortly after we got to the store, and then I started to cry....like really cry about how I would never be able to leave the house with the kids by myself again. Add to the already sensitive baby blues the announcement that we needed to move to PA in 4 short months (aka sell our house, quit my job, find a new place to live, and start applying for jobs) and I was a mess. But as is normal it passed and everything worked itself out.
This week Logan turned four weeks old. Most of the way through the third week I started to convince myself that I wasn't going to have baby blues this time around. Nothing phased me (recovering from the c-section, Logan's hand, Palmer having potty training accidents after a couple months of perfect, or packing/leaving for KS for 5 weeks). Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Every little thing and I feel like running for the bathroom (cause that's the only place of privacy these days) and bursting into tears. I have been losing my temper much quicker with the kids and I find myself getting overwhelmed when my brain is telling me that this is no big deal.
This past weekend was Logan's baptism and it was everything I could do to hold it together. My mom and sister were being shy about wanting to have a photo taken and it floored me. We went to the spaghetti lunch afterwards and trying to figure out where everyone was going to sit made me want to just leave all together. The normally rational me would have laughed that three different people fixed plates for my two children instead I felt like a terrible mother who couldn't take care of my own children.
Bret has been out of town this week for his first week of his elective and I miss him like crazy. He is my rock and I can definitely tell he is away. Last week we were jokingly talking about how rarely Bret takes a turn when Logan is fussy. He mentioned that he can always tell when I am starting to feel overwhelmed. Unbeknownst to me I apparently start talking out loud to Logan. He mentioned that I start saying things like "work me with here" or "love, I'm not sure what else I can do". Honestly I had never noticed before but am thankful that he had.
Bret's parents are out of town today until tomorrow. The kids and I had a great day and it went pretty smoothly. However, as I sat in the kitchen eating cookies and milk (my comfort food) and cried because the kids were fighting and not going to sleep like they should I realized that maybe I didn't really get by this time without getting the blue bug. Compared to the past it's really not as bad as it has been before and I know what it is which makes it a little easier to handle. Most of the time I just feel silly.