Identity Crisis

Some good friends that I used to work with back in KS were in Philly over the weekend for a convention this week. Bret and I drove down and dinner with them. It was great to see them and catch up. It was even greater to have a babysitter and a nice evening out without the kids.

During the course of the evening my good friend asked if we were going to move back to KS more importantly the town that we used to live in. Honestly I have no idea. I don't know where we are going to live. This does not surprise me as I have said for a long time that it is easier for Bret and I to say where we won't live rather than where we will. The part that did surprise me is that for the first time in a long time I don't know where I WANT to live.

Don't get me wrong I loved living in Wichita. There are plenty of places that I would love to own a home, they have some great schools, our friends are there, and it is a good distance from both sides of the family. However I'm not sure where I would work. I don't see a place for me any more at WSU. I don't think I would want my old job back (not saying that it would even be available) or where else in the college I would fit. I just don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if I want to stay at home with the kids until they are older or if I want to go back to school and get my Ph.D or if I want to stay in the working world. I just don't know.

I have always known. I have always had a plan and I have always had goals. Life has not always gone according to my plan and I think that since the move out here I have been a little gun shy to try and make more plans for our future. Instead I pray and I have faith. God has a plan for me and this time I am trying to let him guide me. Bret too has a lot of unknowns when it comes to his path so that may be part of my uncertainties. Of course if he decides to pursue a fellowship I have to be ready to support that path and let me tell you it will definitely be a ride different from if he doesn't.

While the unknown still bothers me the frustration is nothing compared to what it used to be. I know no matter what I will be happy as long as my family is close to me. The rest will figure itself out because it always has.