5.26.2009

The "D" word

Divorce is an ugly thing. I have never been divorced but the stories that I have heard and the divorces that I have witnessed have never been simple or easy. I am not sure if it is simply the logistics of it all or the emotions that are connected to those logistics that make it so complicated and painful.

To me when you get a divorce you lay everything out. This is everything "we own" and everything "we owe". You pay off what you owe and split what's left over. Hopefully you can split what you don't sell and then split what you do. It never seems to work this way. One party or the other or even both tips that balance and makes it grey instead of black and white. This may be an affair, spending sprees, or a feeling of greater entitlement. I don't pretend to know.

I am not sure if it is because of the arguments we have witnessed over our lifetime from our parents about money or if it is because we have never really had any to argue about but money is the one thing we never get into fights about. With no second thoughts in my mind I can say that money is the #1 reason my parents are getting a divorce. I can also say that I have seen many other couple's constantly fight over money to the point of either divorce/separation/or constant arguments.

So it is not surprising that even though my parents filed for divorce almost a year ago it is still no where near being settled. They have been married for 29 years and somethings never change. I am furious with one parent and heart broken for the other. I am frustrated that both of them seem to be stuck in one place and unable to move forward. I decided from the beginning to stay out of it and not get involved but it is impossibly hard to see so much money on attorney fees being tossed out of the window for the same argument that has been raging my entire life. I don't understand how they can not understand what is so clear to everyone else. I have always been able to see both sides but neither can understand each other. It's almost as though they speak different languages now. I have given it a year with NO PROGRESS. I am losing my resolve on staying uninvolved. I know that I should not choose sides but I feel as if that option was taken away from me. I am very hurt and angry at one parent. I wish it would all go away so that everyone can start to heal.

7 comments:

Yaya said...

I'm sorry you are going through this.


Money is the biggest issue when my husband and I have arguments.

Tova Darling said...

Ugh. I'm so sorry. This must be so hard for you.

Mr. Darling's parents got divorced ten years ago, and they have always, always, always put him in the middle of it. Recently, they have begun fighting (a decade after the divorce and division of assets was finalized, mind you) over who should have posession of a lunch box. A LUNCH BOX. I just want to shake them both.

Angel said...

I am sorry your whole family has to go through this. I think when people go through a divorce it is easy to lose sight of reality. Both parties are so deeply hurt and sad and I think they are reacting very differently and not realizing how this is affecting their children. People do crazy things and become different people during a divorce.

I understand your struggle to want stay out of it, I have wanted to pick up the phone on many occasions and share my unhappy feelings to certain people but I know that is in no way my place. I hate seeing all of you suffer so much.

As I tell your mom, this will end eventually and everyone will be able to move on and heal. I know that does not help right now but you will all get through one way or another it will just take time.

You know I am always here for you!

Autumn said...

Praying for you and yours,

~Autumn

Little Lady Cakes said...

I'm also praying for you and for this situation to resolve itself.

parentingBYdummies said...

This post made me sad. I'm sorry to see anyone feeling this way. Hopefully things will get better soon. I just came over from SITS to say hello.

Cathy said...

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'll keep your family in my prayers.