Cloudy Days

I don't know if you noticed but things haven't been really cheery on my blog lately. Sorry about that. It's kind of how I have been feeling lately too. So I have decided that today I am going to rant about a few things going on and tomorrow we return to more fun topics like Emily's big birthday party that is coming up.

We are on our fourth out of five weeks of nights and it has definitely taken it's toll on all of us. Exhaustion is not nearly strong enough of a word to describe how I am feeling. I am mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. Laundry has piled up beyond measure and the house is impossible to even walk through. Emily has been having stomach issues the past few days only at night which is OK except that neither of us are getting much sleep. Palmer continues to struggle through his potty training. Bret is living on a different planet.

Between worrying about the boat and the physical exhaustion his "help" around the house has been less than minimal...it has been non existent. Nights always starts out OK. He is not as tired so he goes to bed later or wakes up earlier. He is less grumpy and I am not overwhelmed..yet. Then as time progresses he gets more tired, more short tempered, and I get more over whelmed. It takes us to a place in our marriage that I like to call the carousel of doom.

Me: "I need you to help around the house more. Maybe run some errands after you get off work or start dinner when you get up." Although I don't waste my breath much anymore with pleas I would desperately like it for him to do the dishes once in a while, take out the trash, or God forbid run the vacuum.

Bret: "I work 14 hours a day and have been up all night. I am exhausted."

Then it turns ugly with the whole "you only work 8 hours a day and at a desk". "If only my day started at eight and actually ended at 5..yeah right". The arguments never change and we go around in circles until we are hurt and more angry. So since this is my third year of this fight I have just given up. The list of things to do at home eats at me until I cry but I don't want to fight. I bite my tongue, we eat out more often, I ignore the dishes, the crap all over the floor, the stench of our bunny's cage, I dig to find something for the kids and I to wear, and I stop and get groceries on my way home from work. Above all I ignore the tension that sits between Bret and I. It will get better...I know that.

On top of it all Bret is planning to go back to KS for 10 days without us. I can't get off work, he can't drive by himself, and we can't afford the plane tickets for the kids. It only works out for him to go because there is a conference in KS that he can tag on to the end of his trip. At first I tried really hard to not be resentful that he is leaving me by myself with the kids for 10 days coming off of nights and spending the only two weekends off without us. Yeah you can tell how well that is working for me. So I have been petty about it refusing to help him book his plane ticket and bitching about the cost of the rental car. I don't want him to go, he knows that, and he is going anyways. It's not that I don't want him to go it's that I don't want him to go without me.

I am just tired. I want the next two weeks to be over. I want my laundry to magically be done and the house to magically be cleaned. If I was to be completely honest I want Bret to feel bad about leaving us. I want him to want to make it up to me by helping around the house and getting these things done. I want him to appreciate me in the way I want to be appreciated not in his own way. I want more energy so that when I get home from work I am not overwhelmed and can get everything that I want done..done.

I see now why blogging is therapeutic. Just writing all of this out makes me feel better.


FRANNIE said...

God! I just want to help you. Where do you live? I'll be there tomorrow!

Sometimes, you just have to pick the few things to get done and let the rest go.

1 load of kid laundry - check
Pull Ups cuz you've lost your mind potty training - check (eventually he'll get it)
Paper plates, cups and plastic forks on the next grocery run - check (no dishes for a little while - check)

Chin up - the dumba$$ man will come around.

Julia@SometimesLucid said...

Good luck with the next couple of weeks! Once your husband is back, can you take a couple of evening for yourself? Just pack a book and drive somewhere, sit and read. Oh, and come back after the kids are asleep :)

Girl With The Golden Touch said...

I really wish I lived near you because I would totally come and do your stuff for you!!

Melisa said...

When Brad and I lived apart for 7 months, I just came to a point of acceptance that some things weren't going to get done as often. There is only so much a mom of 3 can do without help, ya know? I know some people can't be happy if there is a mess, but thankfully, I am not one of them. haha! I really do hope you can get more help. Wouldn't it be great if they paid residents enough to afford help around the house? :o)

Bea said...

ugh, I'm so sorry to hear this! We constantly have the same type of dialogue regarding help around the house. All I can say is I totally understand where you're coming from, I hope it gets easier, and hang in there!! Sending virtual hugs.

Anonymous said...

Sorry you were feeling this way. It's never good when you get into a "tit for tat" argument. We've been there and done that plenty of times.