Oh the PAIN

Yesterday morning I dropped the kids off and headed to work like any other day. Once I got to work I started to not feel very good. I had some pain (like a dull throbbing pain) in my lower left area from the front all the way through to my back. Thinking that maybe I was having cramps I took some IB profen and tried to get busy working. The pain got increasingly worse although still just uncomfortable. I decided to page Bret twice. By the time he called back I was much worse to the point of tears. I described the pain to Bret and answered several of his questions. Dr. Heskett's over the phone diagnosis....kidney stones. Prescription: Drink LOTS of fluids, call my doctor to make an appointment, and continue to rotate Tylenol and IB profen every three hours.

So I called my OB (because what women actually has a primary care doctor and because it could be something to do with that area) and made an appointment. I tried to stick it out at work but decided that since the last three people I saw asked me if I was ok and if anything was wrong that I wasn't hiding my discomfort well enough so I headed home. I am really glad I left when I did because someone would have had to drive me home if I had waited.

By the time I was driving home tears were flowing because of the pain. Once home I thought that maybe if I laid down and watched a show I had DVR'd that maybe it would eventually go away. Not so. I drank until my eyes were floating in my head and writhed/paced/cried for 2 hours until finally I could tell that the pain was starting to lessen. A couple more trips to the bathroom (and more water) and it was gone. I felt like I had given birth with no baby to show for it.

Mind you that I have had surgery (albeit minor) 3 times, a c-section, and a regular delivery. I have a pretty high tolerance of pain because after all of these the most I took was extra strength Tylenol. This attack was by FAR the worst pain I have ever felt ever. Worse than gall stones, worse than getting out of bed the first time after my c-section, worse than the worst contractions while dilating to 9 without an epidural. It was AWFUL. So today I have CT scan to see if (God help me) there are any more waiting to come out or anything that they should be worried about (like if one might get stuck or something). The fear of going through this again is enough to keep me up at night. My only solace is to drink more fluids. The more fluids I drink the better chances of passing them more quickly, not developing them anymore, and most importantly passing them a little easier. Bret and I both agree that if it was him they would have to hospitalize him and sedate him. He would have died yesterday from the pain. Instead he felt bad and went to the store and bought me several jugs of cranberry juice (the mixed berry kind) and several other types of low sugar drinks (because I am not a big fan of water). The good news is that I hear beer works pretty well to so I plan to get that in this weekend too!

Identity Crisis

Some good friends that I used to work with back in KS were in Philly over the weekend for a convention this week. Bret and I drove down and dinner with them. It was great to see them and catch up. It was even greater to have a babysitter and a nice evening out without the kids.

During the course of the evening my good friend asked if we were going to move back to KS more importantly the town that we used to live in. Honestly I have no idea. I don't know where we are going to live. This does not surprise me as I have said for a long time that it is easier for Bret and I to say where we won't live rather than where we will. The part that did surprise me is that for the first time in a long time I don't know where I WANT to live.

Don't get me wrong I loved living in Wichita. There are plenty of places that I would love to own a home, they have some great schools, our friends are there, and it is a good distance from both sides of the family. However I'm not sure where I would work. I don't see a place for me any more at WSU. I don't think I would want my old job back (not saying that it would even be available) or where else in the college I would fit. I just don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if I want to stay at home with the kids until they are older or if I want to go back to school and get my Ph.D or if I want to stay in the working world. I just don't know.

I have always known. I have always had a plan and I have always had goals. Life has not always gone according to my plan and I think that since the move out here I have been a little gun shy to try and make more plans for our future. Instead I pray and I have faith. God has a plan for me and this time I am trying to let him guide me. Bret too has a lot of unknowns when it comes to his path so that may be part of my uncertainties. Of course if he decides to pursue a fellowship I have to be ready to support that path and let me tell you it will definitely be a ride different from if he doesn't.

While the unknown still bothers me the frustration is nothing compared to what it used to be. I know no matter what I will be happy as long as my family is close to me. The rest will figure itself out because it always has.

Full Circle

About two years ago shortly after we found out that we were moving to PA I applied for a job as the director of financial aid at a university here in town (not the one I currently work at). A head hunter out of NY contacted me and from there I was flown out for an interview and wined and dined. I found out later that I was one of the final two candidates. The other candidate was an internal candidate that had started at the office as a counselor and was currently their associate director. They ended up giving her the job and asked if I would come out for a second interview for the associate director position. I was not exactly enthused as I was still bummed that I didn't get the job but thought what the heck, it was free trip for Bret and I to come and see the area and look for a place to live.

During the second interview trip it was CLEAR that the new director and I were not going to be a good fit. It started with her inviting me by email to dinner with my spouse and her and her spouse. She wanted to meet at 6:00pm the night before the interview. Our flight got in just after noon that same day and we were scheduled to meet with our realtor at 2pm. Thinking that we may be pressed for time because of the flight, commute from the airport, etc, etc. I emailed her back that we would love to do dinner but where wondering if we could move the dinner time to 7pm. She emailed back that no, that wouldn't work because she had a 2 year old and they had a bed time that they needed to keep with. OK.

The next day the interview went OK. It was clear that she was concerned that I would be insubordinate because I didn't get her job. I was just playing the role that I just wanted the job and that this would be a better fit for me since I was new to the area. I asked a couple of questions about compliance issues that I had found during my initial interview process and she said that there were no issues and that everything was on the up and up. Needless to say that I didn't get the job and I wasn't too disappointed.

Fast forward two years to this morning and my boss came in with some interesting news. She had been at a state meeting last Friday and the buzz is that this person who got the job over me and one other person in her office were "let go" on Friday. My boss said that the lid is being kept shut pretty tight as to why but that no one else in the office really expected and where as shocked as we are. During these economic times I don't wish anyone to lose their job but it does make me wonder WTF happened? It is times like these that I wish I was still in KS where I know EVERYONE in the business and am usually in the "know". I think that this is just another one of those instances that shows that everything happens for a reason it just takes a while to figure out why.

My First Interview

A friend of mine did this on her facebook and it cracked me up. Here is an interview with my 4 year old daughter Emily Grace Heskett.

1. What is something mom always says to you? Don’t touch anything that is yours.

2. What makes mom happy? When I'm being good.

3. What makes mom sad? When I’m bad.

4. How does your mom make you laugh? Tickle me and I snart when I laugh.

5. What was your mom like as a child? I don’t know.

6. How old is your mom? UMMMMMMMMMM....I don’t know.....39 or 18??

7. How tall is your mom? Um...like 40 feet..no 100 feet

8. What is her favorite thing to do? Take a nap.

9. What does your mom do when you're not around? Do something that she wants to do like watching her shows.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? I don’t know like your birthday or flowers or a ring.

11. What is your mom really good at? Cutting strawberries. (huh?)

12. What is your mom not very good at? Hanging up pictures. (can we say random but she's right)

13. What does your mom do for her job? Makes money to help people go to school. (I'm impressed)

14. What is your mom's favorite food? Lita’s food (Lita is my mom so I think she is saying Colombian food)

15. What makes you proud of your mom? When you do what I want to do.

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? Sponge Bob Square pants (really?)

17. What do you and your mom do together? Watch a movie.

18. How are you and your mom the same? Nothing, I’m not wearing any rings, we don’t have the same hair, I don’t have a squishy tummy, we are not the same. (sniffle)

19. How are you and your mom different? I don’t know (see above)

20. How do you know your mom loves you? Because you love me. I’m just magical and four years old so I'm smart and I just know.

21. What does your mom like most about your dad? He likes what you like and he knows what you want. (couldn't have said it better myself)

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? On the Border

V-Day=Disaster with quick recovery

Little known fact about me is that I try to plan things and am not very good at recovering when things don't got the way I think they will. For example, if I am upset with Bret about something or something has been really bothering me I plan out what I am going to do about it. In my head I think OK, I am going to say this to Bret, he will respond with THIS, and my response will be THIS. End of argument/discussion everything is better. It's almost like I prerecord arguments in my head. When I don't get the response or reaction that I had thought I would get I get upset or disappointed. It is not something that I do intentionally it's just me. In fact I first realized how often I do this when in premarital counseling classes our counselor had Bret and I talk about how we fight and what we think our partner does that is hurtful/not helpful. Mine for Bret was immediate defensiveness and sarcasm. The moment I approach him about something the shields go up and the sarcasm comes out. I on the other hand have prewritten what is going to happen and then when it doesn't go that way I struggle to recover. One of the many things we are working on.

So in my attempts to make up some lost ground in our "getting along" lately attempts such an occurance happened. I made plans for the evening and when things do accordingly I got upset. Long story short was that Bret went over to a friends house to play video games for a while and didn't come home until close to 1am. To be fair he didn't know (it was a surprise) but in my mind I gave enough hints that he should have figured it out. So what resumed was that when he did get home I was upset and according to Bret had been festering for a fight.

It is at moments like this where we all have a choice to make. We can stay mad and let the evening be ruined or we can cool off admit our faults and try to make the best of it. I will be the first to admit my first thought was to be mad, pout, throw a fit, and make him feel really really bad. In the end though I cooled off and we talked about why I was upset. He apologized, I apologized, and then we made up.

This is what makes Bret and I work. We both are stubborn people and we both have a quick temp that can get out of control pretty quickly. BUT we can reel it in and get over things just as quickly. We have boundaries for when we fight but we do fight and sometimes just yelling makes things better.

Although it was not one of our best V-days it did remind us why we love each other and that maybe we needed to appreciate each other a little more than we had recently.

Upcoming V-Day

When we were dating Bret did an AWESOME job of being romantic and trying really hard to make holiday and special occasions something to remember. One year for Valentine's Day he made me a romantic dinner. The funny part was that 1) He didn't know how to cook and had nothing to cook with 2) he lived in a tiny two bedroom apt with a room mate so there was NO space (not much privacy for romance), and 3) they didn't have a table or chairs to eat on.

So it was one of the first occasions in our relationship where I truly started to understand the meaning of "it's the thought that counts". We ate on a makeshift table on his bed and he hand mixed an Oreo no-bake for desert (he had to mix it in a beer pitcher with a spoon because of course he had no mixing bowels let alone a mixer). Over the years our celebration of this holiday has not been anything grand. We have never had any money and it was always a promise that someday when med school and residency and blah blah blah was over I would get beautiful flowers and fancy jewelry for every birthday, v-day, and anniversary. I have grown quite accustomed though to Bret's way of improvising. That's not to say that I didn't get flowers..because I did. It was more the picked up at the market and put in a vase from home and hand delivered type (which I think is way better BTW). Since we moved here my all time favorite has been the Godiva chocolates from the outlet store that is walking distance from our home.

The thing that I love the most from Bret is the cards that he gets me and the notes he writes in them. You have to understand that although Bret is good at sharing his thoughts and always has plenty to say he is NOT the gushy lovey dovey type. "I love you" is more of a response rather than a thought to him and "dinner was good" is one the highest compliments in his book. So when I get a card that says something like "I love you and I couldn't have made it without you" or "thanks for loving me" or my favorite "I will always love" and "I didn't know I could love you any more than I already did but I do" you may think it's not much but to me it's everything.

So this year the last few months have been tough on both of us. We haven't had a moment to think let alone appreciate each other. With the holidays, nights and then a days rotation, sick kids, and then surgery we are barely keeping our heads above water. I have a couple of super secret surprises for Bret up my sleeve and I can hardly wait. Although he swear's that he never reads this blog I am not taking any chances. So stay tuned for an update next week on our big V-day weekend (albeit a PG rated version).

What I wish someone would have told me

So my dear friend Matt is going to be a dad in less than a week. He and his wife moved here recently and have not met a lot of people and don't have any family living in the area. On top of that they are having twins....Monday. As a new dad to be, Matt has expressed his fear of being a father and being able to survive parenthood. Although I was much younger (over 10 years) when I was going through this anxiety for this first time I think that there are some things that I had to figure out the hard way that I wish someone would have told me. So for that reason (and because I love to make fun lists) I have listed the top 10 things that I wish someone would have told me before becoming a mother. So Matt, take it or leave it, here is my unsolicited advice and and my faithful 6 readers will probably have something to add as well :)

1. Babies are resilient. When you first hold your newborn you think that they are the most fragile thing that you could ever hold. While I don't think that you should swing it around like a doll or anything (and definitely don't shake it) we have to remember that they were just born. That means that they either squeezed their way through a pelvis and out a not so big hole or a doctor and team of nurses just cut a hole open through an abdomen and pulled them out. Either way they are not as fragile as you think. I was so scared when I had my first that I (or more likely someone else) was going to drop her, or accidentally hit her head on something, or her little legs would get hurt from holding them out of the way when I changed their diapers. I wish someone would have told me to relax babies are made with pliable bones that are virtually incapable of breaking and that your natural instincts will kick into gear and will protect the baby. So breath when other people want to hold your babies and relax. (BTW Emily did drop Palmer when he was 6 months old b/c she was trying to pick him up and then worried that she would get caught so she just let him go...he was fine)

2. Since you have a girl and a boy I thought you should know that from birth they are completely different creatures. Watch out for the little sprinkler and be prepared for totally different personalities. There is something to said about boys being boys. Palmer has had a concussion, stitches, and a chipped tooth. He is only two. Emily faints if she gets a paper cut and lets hope she never sees blood. Even friends with twins say that the two couldn't be more different. Celebrate their differences.

3. Exhaustion has a new meaning after becoming a parent. You thought you knew what it was like to be tired. Not so. The first few weeks after you have a baby takes you to a whole new level of running on fumes. I like to think of this as a rite of passage. We have all been there and are able to look back with warm memories of falling asleep at the dinner table. Good luck with that and if you figure out a way to lesson it I expect a 10% royalty of the millions you would make.

4. Worry is your new middle name. You never thought that how many wet diapers would be something to concern yourself with, did they burp, are they eating enough, have they pooped often enough, are they warm enough, is the car seat secure, did that person wash their hands, what if they got a cold, how is daycare going to go, are they eating enough, are they sleeping enough? Then you worry about friends, are they learning at the right pace, do they say enough words, are they safe? My mom claims that it doesn't end and that she still worries about me and on top of it my kids now to. So remember to focus on the now. I like that kids seem to come with a natural guide. In the beginning they start you out easy with basic life necessities...eat, diapers, and sleep. Gradually you grow to safety..don't put that in your mouth, don't stick your finger in that, etc. Then into social growth like don't bite your friend, share, be nice to people. I will let you know as we continue into the unknown how it is going. I suggest Yo Gabba-Gabba for help on these issues.

5. Kids should fit into your life not the other way around. Actually someone did tell me this when I was pregnant with Emily and it was the best piece of advice I ever got. She had told me that you will NEVER get your life back if you don't make it a point to help a child adjust to yours. What she meant by this was if the baby is sleeping and you need to vacuum...do it. If you start out tiptoeing around when they are sleeping you will forever have to be quiet. If instead you teach your children to sleep regardless of the noise you will be forever grateful. Remember to take time out for yourself and for time alone with Dana and find something to talk about other than the kids. OK, who am I kidding Bret and I have a hard time talking about anything else too but we still try. Besides I know where you can find free babysitting :)

6. Schedule, schedule, schedule. From eating to bed time, routine and schedule is your best friend. I am sure that I could even pull studies from somewhere that show that kids do better when they know what to expect and have a schedule. Some days it will feel like a burden but most days it will be a relief even for you to know what to expect.

7. Make your own family traditions. Bret and I both came from families that had all kinds of weird traditions. We took some of his and some of mine and the worked really hard to make some of our own. Birthdays are a great example. What did you do to make it special and what will you do with your own kids?

8. There is no right or wrong way to parent (OK maybe the crazy people who hurt or abuse their kids are wrong but for the most part). You have your kids best intentions at heart and that is all that matters. Everything else will work itself out and you will make the right choices and decisions. What worked for one parent may not work for anyone else either.

9. Parenting is the easiest job in the world...kind of. Your job as a parent is love your child and take care of them. Although it is the most demanding and hard work you will ever do it is the easiest. Loving your child from the first moment is a piece of cake. You already do. Taking care of them is the next most natural thing. You want to keep them safe, you want to provide the very best, you want them to be happy and healthy so doing it is just a matter of making it happen.

10. You get to be kid all over again only better. Things like Valentine's day, Halloween, Easter, swimming, going for walks, baking cookies, reading books, playing with cars or dolls, playing with playdoh, vacations, camping, and so many many more things are all new and you get to experience it for the first time through their eyes. There is no greater joy. The excitement and pride and memories are ecstasy.

Best wishes to you and Dana and don't forget that we are here and are willing/able to help.

Count to Ten

It's been a while since I have posted. This is partly due to minor surgery I had last week and partly because like everyone else the late winter blues has me with less than uplifting thoughts to fill the pages with.

I had laproscopic surgery last week to remove a cyst from my ovary. Everything went fine but you know...it's still surgery. You wait in like four different rooms and you are starving b/c you can't eat anything since the night before and you are thirsty b/c you can't have anything to drink for four hours before the surgery and people just do their job and almost completely oblivious to you as they move you, ask you questions, and tell you what to do.

I hate operating rooms. There is nothing friendly or warm about them and I know that nothing can be done about that. One thing that was a little different this time was that after they started the IV I kept waiting for that drowsy feeling. I remember in past surgeries that they would tell you to count backwards from ten and at nine you start to feel you eyelids get heavy and at eight you know that you are done. That didn't happen this time. One minute I am listening in to the nurses in the room making fun of one of the doctors (of course I knew exactly who they were talking about which made it even funnier) and the next thing I know I am waking up in recovery. I mentioned it to Bret and he smiled and said "yah, they push the drugs pretty fast here...no screwing around...it's great". One minute I am completely fine and the next I am OUT.

I am not much one for pain killers either. Even after my c-section I took maybe one pain killer the day I went home and one the next day and then Tylenol and Motrin for me. So this time we didn't even get the Vikadon prescription filled. All is well just have to watch my two year old who doesn't quite get the "mommy's tummy is still really sore" concept. I have to say that two days at home BY MYSELF was awesome. Kids at daycare and Bret at work and me at home with my DVR shows to watch and a couple great new books. It was exactly what the doctor ordered.

Dad's Turn

I had to work this past Saturday for part of the day. It's not that bad. We get fed breakfast and lunch and I get to meet with prospective students and parents who are interviewing for scholarships. I think it's good that I have to work sometimes on the weekends because it forces Bret to take care of the kids on his own.

When Emily was a baby I was finishing my MBA in night school while working full time. This meant that at least two nights a week Bret and tiny little Emily were on their own. Bret had to feed, change, and sometimes bathe a two month old baby. As a new mom I could see how easy it would be to do it all. You are so happy to be doing it for the first time that you lose sight of the fact that the responsibilities should be shared. You also forget that just because dad's do things differently doesn't mean it's wrong. I have seen friends criticize their husbands because they didn't change a diaper just as they would have or feed the baby the way that they normally do. The typical dad's response is "ok, I do it wrong so here you do it" and we do. Then a year down the road or even with the second child we get frustrated because we do everything and they don't help.

Because I was trying to do so much at one time I was forced to keep my mouth shut. I came home sometimes and Emily's dirty clothes would be in a bucket out on the porch b/c Bret couldn't deal with the poop that was seemingly everywhere. That was if the onesie made it to the bucket and not just the trash (he promised to replace it and argued that it wasn't worth the effort). He was a super messy feeder of baby food and didn't always remember a bib. He also didn't always remember that she needed to be changed into pajamas before bed because to him the comfy sleepers she was in looked fine to sleep in at night.

At the end of the day he took care of her in the best way he knew how and I appreciated it because it was the only way I was going to be able to do anything else. Last year I took some time off and stayed home with the kids and I noticed that I started to take on the majority of the household and child care responsibilities. To me it made sense that since staying home was now my job I would do things (like laundry, dishes, cleaning, baths, cooking, etc) more than him because he was working so much. When we decided that I would go back to work we joked that Bret would have the hardest time adjusting and he has. Although we don't argue a lot our biggest point of contention is him helping out more at home and with the kids. We are working on this.

So this past Saturday was interesting to say the least because it had been a long long time since he had to take both kids and manage for the day. It was made even more challenging because it wasn't just a stay at home and hang out type Saturday either. He had to take both kids to swim lessons, feed them lunch, pick up a birthday present, and take the kids to a skating birthday party. I felt bad for Bret because after swim lessons Palmer was exhausted and didn't want to be put down. That meant that Emily was on her own skating for the first time while he held Palmer. I got done early and went and met them at the rink and got to skate with Emily. It didn't bother Emily one bit but it bother Bret a lot. I felt bad but at the same time exactly what he was feeling. It is hard to juggle both kids especially at a birthday party. But such is life and you do what you have to do. After this we talked about maybe setting some time aside for one on one parent time for both of the kids. I think it is a great idea and could be a lot of fun.

SNOW DAY!

Although there are many things that I love about working in higher education one of the top three is that sometimes we get snow days. Yesterday was such a day. It is like being a kid all over again. Walking up early to watch the news and then finding out that you get to go back to bed. AWESOME. It' s not just that you get an extra day off from work but the everything that goes into it too. It is a day to stay home in your PJ's and just bum. Too yucky to go anywhere.

So yesterday me and the two kids made a big breakfast (waffles..yum), went outside to play in the snow, drank hot chocolate with marshmallows, played board games, watched a movie, and made cookies. How perfect of a day is that? These are the same things I did as a kid when we had snow days too. Yes the house could be cleaned and laundry could be done. I have a ton of thank you cards to write and I could always find a million other things that NEED to be done. On snow days though we just hang out and spend time together.

Say Cheese

The school I work at has this campaign going on called "faces". Essentially what they are trying to do is show that they are a small and intimate campus. We want new students to feel like they know the people who work here. So to help with this process we have pictures of our staff and students EVERYWHERE. They are on our website, on posters, and around campus. We even have our pictures posted outside our office doors next to our name. I LOVE this idea. I think it is neat that we have awesome pictures of people everywhere. The downside is that I too have to have my picture taken and posted.

The good news is that one of our best history teachers is also a photographer on the side. So every week he has a couple of hours set up to stop by and have your picture taken. I have seen so many people's pictures turn out awesome. In fact I haven't really seen a bad picture of anyone yet. So last week I was told that I could delay the inevitable no more. In the past he had been set up for pictures on Tuesday so I planned to have my picture taken that day. I had my hair fixed super cute and wore one of my favorite outfits. Except he didn't send out his email stating where he was going to be that day. I figured oh well maybe next week. The next day we got the email. My hair was not as fabulous and I was not thrilled with what I had on. The response from my boss was that if I didn't like the pictures I could get them retaken as many times as I wanted to later. For now I must go and get it over with. So I went and here is the results. They are OK. I do plan to go back b/c in all it took less than 10 minutes and it was kind of fun. Just one of the many perks of working in higher education (it is definitely not the pay).

Shed A Tear

Call it that time of the month, winter blues, stress, or just not feeling well. Whatever you call it I have been feeling kind of down lately. Not depressed just a little low. I go through this every now and then and one of the ways that I cope with it is to cry. For some reason I can't just cry for no reason (ok, that is not true sometimes I do) so I like to find a reason to cry that isn't really the reason I am sad about. Lost yet? What I mean is that I feel a little less crazy if I cry because I read a sad book or my favorite saw a sad movie. I have several of these movies that no matter how many times I have seen the movie I. ALWAYS. CRY. Dr. Heskett has even come to recognize these issues about me. (I don't cry with anyone else either...it is something that I do alone). If he sees that any of the movies listed below have been recently watched he knows that I have been feeling blue. Let me tell you that during the first few months after having both of my kids these movies were watched regularly. I feel more normal crying about someone dying or losing a loved one on TV than the milk I spilt.

So I thought I would share some of my all time favorite tear jerker movies and ask is any of you have other movies that get you every time.

10. Big Fish- I know that this is not that sad of a movie but for me I cried (more like sobbed) all the way out to the car after seeing this movie in the theater. The movie hits so close to home and reminds me so much of my father that it breaks my heart. My dad is famous for his crazy stories and I have always felt more like I was lied to rather than entertained. Love Love this movie.

9. Philadelphia- Tom Hanks was stellar and Denzel Washington should have gotten an Oscar...need I say more.

8. What Dreams May Come- The pain that the mom goes through is unbearable. I am not a fan of suicide for her you almost feel relief. I love the fact that he literally goes through hell and back to find her and fight for her. I love the images of what Heaven is like and although I shed a few tears I finish the movie with hope and reassurance.

7. My Girl- Of course the scene where she sees her friend during his funeral is killer. I felt like trying to find the little boys glasses so that he could see. Ever since that movie I have sworn that 1) we would have closed casket funerals and 2) If they worn glasses during their life they would be buried in them

6. Hope Floats- Her heartbreak and her struggles were real to me. I loved her grace and dignity and I loved that her mom was the one to make her fight to pick herself up and dust herself off. The scene in this movie is the one where she goes to visit her dad. He can't remember anything but he remembers her when she was a child. The comfort in his face when he recalls this memory is priceless and her dancing with him tears me up typing about it.

5. Steel Magnolias- I love this movie. It is funny and witty and so sad. I understand Shelby's desire to have a baby. I understand her selfishness in wanting what everyone else has and I understand her mom's wish in having only her daughter. It is a story about family and the commitment you make to supporting them no matter what. I love it when Miranda gets mad and how her friends are just there to bear witness. They can't fix it, they can't make it better, but they can be there.

4. The Passion of Christ- I knew this movie was going to be sad. What I didn't know was that the movie would be so real to me. My favorite scenes in the movie were the ones that were made up but made him seem more human (I love the table scene with his mom). I also felt more pain that I had ever really thought about for his mom. I can't imagine the pain she went through bearing witness to her son.

3. The Notebook- I love this movie and I loved the book (I will do a post on saddest books sometime). I fought for Noah from day one and I loved how he fought for Allie until the end. I told Dr. Heskett that that was the way I wanted it...I wanted us to die in each others arms together when we are both very old.

2. PS I love You- When Dr. Heskett and I were engaged one of the things we talked about was dying. I made him promise that I would die first. I know what a crazy thing to promise but the thought of living without him is so terrifying to me that it is more scary than dying myself. (I also made him promise to go to a psychic if there was a way to you know like John Edward or something...he said that if there was a way...and I NEEDED him to he would..and I believe him) When I saw this movie I saw Dr. Heskett and I. I could see her heal with something to focus on besides that she was alone. I think that because I have two kids to think about I would have something else to focus on but what if I didn't? I love that their love was unconventional and hard and not perfect. Love never is.

1. Beaches- I know that this is probably not the saddest movie on anyone else's list but for me it is my favorite. I have loved this movie FOREVER. I only have it on tape so I haven't watched it forever. I love the little girl in this movie and how she only wants to know if she can bring her cat. The struggle that this mom goes through letting go of her child and the desire to live is tough for even the non-cryer. Gets me every time.

So what is your favorite sad movie? What do you do when you are sad? I wish I could grab a bottle of liquor and dance it out like Grey's but I am not sure it would do it for me.

But What Will I DO?

Yesterday Dr. Heskett and I had a lengthy discussion about our finances. We have always done OK on the money side of our lives. There has never been "enough" but there was always "enough"...if you know what I mean. However the move from Kansas was definitely a big test. Not only did it cost a lot to to make some repairs to the house before we sold it but the move itself cost quite a bit. Add that to me staying home for almost a year and whala...we have a bit more credit card debt that what we feel comfortable carrying. On the horizon we are hoping to have another baby sometime in the next year or two which means added daycare and the need for a bigger vehicle. So thus the want to try and get all of our debt paid off.

We are not elaborate spenders. Sometimes we indulge our children and sometimes we eat out a few times a week but when push comes to shove for the most part we are reasonable spenders. So when we took a long hard look at our budget there wasn't a lot of room to trim fat from. Besides the promise to cut our grocery bill a little and eat home more often that didn't leave much to add to our "pay off debt" campaign. Then Dr. Heskett said something I was totally unprepared for. His suggestion was to turn off our Comcast services. This mean no TV, Internet, or land line phone. The phone I could care less about and the Internet would stink a little but my palms started to sweat as I contemplated going without TV.

I have mentioned before that TV is my one vice. I love my DVR, On Demand, and Pay per View. The worst of it is that the timing couldn't be worse. Lost premiers this week as did a few other Showtime and HBO shows that I watch...not to mention May finales. I can't imagine not being able to tun the TV to the Sprout channel for those few much needed minutes to get dinner on the table not to mention our morning routine of the kids watching TV while we sleep for a few extra minutes on weekends. Who am I kidding I would really miss, Grey's, Desperate, Gossip Girl, 90210, Private Practice, Biggest Loser, Big Love, Entourage, Lost, Privileged, The L Word, and many many more.

Dr. Heskett's response was yeah it would suck. He would miss sports and the Internet. The problem is that Dr. Heskett watches TV not shows. He likes to see what is on and usually ends up with a movie that he hasn't seen a million times or something on the history/discover/war/etc channel. This is totally different. He could fill that gap with something else...like a book. I would miss the action of what is happening...what if one of the characters that I love would die? I would totally miss it until this summer sometime when I could maybe rent the season. I panic just thinking about it.

Then reality hit me. I am addicted and I am letting my kids get addicted. That is precious time that can be spent doing something else and the payoff is huge. I have to admit that our bill has gotten a little (maybe a lot) out of control. We pay $190 a month to Comcast. This includes our land line phone (unlimited long distance), Internet, and cable (DVR, big Cable package, sports tier, HD, etc, etc, etc). If we added $190 a month to one of our credit card bills we would make an impact. It would also solidify our commitment to pay it off for good. I think that debt is like weight in that the harder you work at paying it off the longer it will stay off....at least I hope.

So here were my terms of agreement. Dr. Heskett has to start running with me. It is something that he dreads/hates a much as it kills me to not watch TV. We also have to sign up for Netflix. I am crazy but not that crazy. We can't watch TV but we have to have something to kill quite afternoons at home on the weekends. We are going to talk about it again tonight because I want to know exactly when we can turn it back on and how exactly we are going to tackle this debt. I will keep you posted on how this goes and just so you know I may have to stop by for a quick fix sometime.

Better Mental Health

I had a great weekend. We had nothing planned and just spent some time getting errands ran and hanging out as a fam. It was really nice. One thing that I did do this weekend was scrapbook for the first time since we moved to PA. I used to scrapbook all the time. Me and some of my friends would get together with a few bottles of wine and scrapbook into the wee hours of the morning. It was fabulous. I haven't really met ANYONE who scrapbooks here in PA. I am sure that I could find a group but it is much better if you are just friends with someone who scrapbooks and you decided to do that together rather than see a movie or something. Anyways since we didn't have anything going on Sat afternoon and everyone else was taking a nap I decided to pull my stuff out and see what I could get through.

It was awesome and I totally got lost in my task. I got a lot done and it was so much fun. I scrapbooked for 4 hours and it felt like five minutes.

I tagged this post mental health because last year was really rough for me and I feel like I have come full circle. A year ago Palmer was in the hospital, I wasn't working, I was super depressed, money was awful, and we were desperately searching for a way to move back to KS. There were days where I would sit on the couch and cry for no reason other than I was just that miserable. (I wonder what that did to my kids' mental health).

Staying home was never really the source of my depression. I loved staying home with my kids and some days that fun was all that I had getting me out of bed everyday. Emily and I are closer than we have ever been and I am extremely thankful that I have that. However, not having any money and not being able to find a job since I was looking was part of the issue. The other part of the issue was loneliness and homesickness. Interns work so much that it literally felt like me and the kids were dropped on this new planet.

Although we are still searching for close friends we have made great lengths at meeting new people. I have been back to work for 9 months and while money is not great it is much better. The kids are happy and healthy and Bret's hours are slowly but surely getting better. It's funny that something as simple as getting out an old hobby of mine reminded me of how far we have come. People always told us that moving away from family would make our family closer and for a LONG time I thought they were crazy but in reality they were really right.

GM

Today is my grandmother's birthday. I believe she is 92 or 93 (I know it is terrible that I don't remember exactly how old she is but after 90 the years sort of run together). So even though she has NEVER even seen a computer other than at someone elses house, this post is in her honor.

My grandmother, Frances, was by far the most influential woman in my life. Not that my mom didn't have a big impact on me but the reverence that I had for my grandmother could not be matched. My dad was the youngest child by over 10 years and thus my next closest cousin in age is 12 years older than me and lived in Texas most of his life. So when my sister and I were born it was almost like being the only grandkids and we were spoiled rotten. My cousins and I have always referred to our grandparents by GM & GP.

I say that GM was the most influential woman in my life because to me she was the example. She has always been a quiet and reserved woman. She was a devoted wife, mother, Catholic, daughter, sister, and friend. She ALWAYS believed the best of everyone. She was married to my grandfather for 60 years before he passed. Their marriage was one of love, compassion, and a deep mutual respect. GM doted on GP but GP respected her and even when I was a small child I saw and understood that.

As a mother she was loving but firm. She raised her children to be respectful and to find their place in the world. As a Catholic she never missed church and feel asleep every night holding her rosary which she prayed faithfully. She taught me to let God, which I think is one of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn. Although I never met her mother I have heard stories about how she brought her FIL in to live with them so they could take care of him and of how she visited her mother several times a week. Her relationship with her siblings have been rocky over the years but she was the one who throughout the disagreements worked to find peace and bring them closer together again. As a friend she was one of the best. Taking care of them when they were sick or down, always inviting in the outcast. There was a woman in town that smelled so bad and was so dirty that all of us had to swallow down bile to be near her. She was known for lifting her dress and squatting right there in GM's yard. Yet GM never let her know that she knew and never thought twice about offering her a cup of tea and to sit in her kitchen to visit (even though it would take the rest of the day to air out). She did always refuse the coffee or cookies that the woman offered us (she wasn't that nice and knew that the woman had over 20 cats living with her).

GM was a fabulous cook and used food to soothe the soul. She has more patience than anyone I know. She always took the time to get me an apron and let me help with everything she did. The weeks I would spend at her house in the summers were some of the happiest in my life. They lived on a tiny farm in a tiny town in Kansas. While there we would make cookies, she taught me to cross stitch and crochet, we pumped water from the well to water the flowers, weeded the garden, fed and gather eggs from the chickens, hung the laundry on the line to dry, and walked to church and back every Sunday. Their home was safe and warm place where everyone was welcome.

When our family would all gather for the holidays a favorite quote always came to mind.."Because two people fell in love". To me that was the story line. GM & GP fell in love and together they created this family with many generations to come. Not only did she create this family but she nurtured it too. I remember when my cousin at the tender age of 20 moved to Alaska with her husband and 4 month old baby my grandmother dried her tears and wrote to her weekly to soothe homesickness that followed. On my wedding day she told my husband that he was a good man and that GP would be proud to call him his grandson. When I shocking found out I was pregnant she was the first person I told (after Bret) and she cried tears of joy and eased some of my deepest fears of motherhood.

GM was not famous. In fact very few people outside her family and the small town that she lived in her whole life had ever heard of her. She was also not outspoken or one to lecture. Instead she set the example with her own actions and made me want to make her proud. I hope that I lead a life as honorable as hers. I strive to be the things that she was and will always be.

Totally Awkward Tuesdays

Once again it is Tuesday which means therapy day otherwise known as Totally Awkward Tuesdays. For today's story I had to dig deep into the pit of things I would have rather forgotten for a story that will keep you entertained. Little known fact about me is that I had 3 wedding dresses. You got that right...3 wedding dresses.

The first wedding dress that my mom and I bought was at a Tuxedo rental shop in little old Topeka Kansas that was getting out of the bridal portion. The dress was beautiful. It was a candle light white color, strapless and PERFECT. Not only did this off the rack dress fit me (shocking I know) but it was on such a clearance that we got the dress for $300. We took the dress to my aunt's house because she was going to keep it for me. Mind you we jumped the gun a little here by buying the dress almost a year before the actual wedding. The plan was just to keep the dress at her house until closer to the wedding and then we would take and get it cleaned, etc. Crisis #1 was that a main water line in her house burst and low and behold my perfect dress was ruined with water stains that don't do well with silk. We were all heart broken. Little known fact was that my aunt had taken pictures of the dress and when she talked to her home insurance guy they went ahead and gave her replacement money for the wedding dress....cha-ching we had three times the original amount of money to buy a new dress with. Nothing soothes a broken heart like the sound of money.

Dress number two is where the awkward part comes in. We went to a shop that was very well known in Kansas and were looking through the catalogs for a new "perfect" dress. All of a sudden I turned the page and found MY DRESS. My mom, aunt, and I were shocked and needless to say that was the fastest shopping experience I have ever had. Not only did I find my dress but I also got to order it in white and the detachable train too. Crisis solved right?

A few months later I came back to the shop with mom, aunt, dad, sister, etc in tow for the big first fitting. I can't explain how excited I was and how anxious I felt about "the feeling" that was supposed to come when you find the one. So here I am in the waiting room with the ugly strapless bra they let you borrow and the slip that helps to make the dress poofy and the girl comes in to help me into the dress. It is really snug. Not just really snug but it barely fits over my head and there is no way in hell that it is going to zip shut. The girl helping me doesn't really say anything just sits there looking at me trying to figure out how we are going to shut the dress. I am not sure what is going on but I know that there is no way that the dress is going to fit. The girl tells me that she is going to go get her manager. At this point awkward is the word I am looking for to describe how I feel sitting here in my skimpies waiting. The manager is also the owner and is a seasoned bridal expert. She comes in with something that to this day makes me nauseous to even look at...her measuring tape. She quietly but very seriously asks me "have you put on any weight recently?" Horrified I want to be honest and I tell her that it is possible but I don't think I had gained THAT. MUCH. WEIGHT. She tells me that they are going to remeasure me and if my sizes have changed then the store is not responsible for the dress not fitting. HOLY. COWS. All I can think about at this point is that my parents are going to have to buy another dress because their lousy excuse for a daughter is a gigantic COW. She writes down all of the measurements and says "I'll be right back". I start to lose it at this point. My mom finally comes back to find out what the heck is taking so long. I start to put my clothes back on and by this time I am crying so hard that all I can tell her is that I am too fat to fit into my dress and that I want to go home. My mom is heart broken looking at me this way and goes to sick my dad on someone. Nobody should be crying on what is supposed to be a happy day. So my dad goes to find the manager and he is ticked. Long story short the girl who ordered my dress forgot the 1 that goes in front of this size dress they ordered for me. The dress was 5 sizes TOO SMALL and I had actually lost weight since the last time I was measured. The manager was horrified and my parents were ticked. I almost felt bad for the lady as my dad laid into her and I sat there with tears stained on my cheeks. Needless to say it was a weird sort of situation. They ordered me a new dress and had to have it rushed. They gave us a discount on the dress, a free veil, and gloves and even though I was sick to my stomach terrified to try on the third dress it was perfect.

Flying Mouse

I loath doing laundry. I really loath doing it since to get to the old quarter style machines in our building you have to go outside and into the basement..in the cold. Emily has this little Rose Petal cottage that has a little play washing machine and one time I found it in the middle of the hallway. I asked her what it was doing there and with a completely straight face she told me "mom, washing machines don't go in the house"...like duh?

So last night I had about five loads of laundry to do. Bret had left for work and I only had one load of whites left in the dryer that I needed to go get. Of course I flipped on the outside light and I started down the first step and I thought I saw something scurry. There are not a lot of things that freak me out but scurrying things do. More importantly mice do. I know how silly it must sound for a grown person to be afraid of a tiny mouse. My husband once asked me what was the worst that it could do. In my mind touching me or biting me is my paralyzing fear.

So last night I told myself that it was nothing and took another step. Just as this happened the little sucker came straight for me and jumped over a step and was almost touching me. Needless to say I was back in my house with the door shut and bolted so fast that I didn't even have time to scream. I had no idea that mice could jump like that and so fast. My heart was racing and I was trying not to panic as I paged Dr. Heskett at the hospital (yes paging is for emergencies and yes this was an emergency). He just laughed and tried to tell me that he was sure it was gone by now. I was wondering to myself how I was going to sleep by myself that night. Dr. Heskett finally agreed to get the laundry in the morning when he got home from work. It was good thing I had my book to fall asleep reading too (I heart you Eric) because I can only imagine the nightmares I might have had otherwise about the flying mouse that was going to get me in my sleep.

Totally Awkward Tuesdays

So I know that I missed last week but I was out of town, etc and I have a really good story to make up for it this week.



For those of you who haven't read already about our ridiculously long drive back to Kansas that we make regularly because we can't afford four plane tickets...catch up.



Dr. Heskett is a great person to travel with except for one thing. He is a Nazi when it comes to stops. Even if you don't have to pee you should try because it doesn't matter what you promise, plead, or how many tears you shed he is not going to stop until the next designated stop. Emily and I have learned to accept this and usually don't bother to ask anything except when the next stop is going to be. A tank of gas is usually our determinate as to when we are going to stop next and that usually tends to be about four hours. Sometimes this is a little bit of a challenge but one that both Emily and I can usually manage pretty well although sometimes we are running to the bathroom by the time we finally stop.



This weekend we were on our trip home and about six hours from home (it is a 17 hour drive) I had to pee. I asked Dr. Heskett about how long until our next stop. One hour. No problem...it was going to be one of those run to the bathroom moments and I mentally cut myself off from diet coke but I wasn't panicking yet.



As the hour started to dwindle I saw relief in the last sign that said 10 miles until our stop. As we rounded the corner we were passed by a fire truck and ambulance and Bret said..."oh no". Still keeping my cool I turned to him to ask "what?". Without looking at me Bret said "I bet there is a bad accident ahead" and at that moment we came to a stand still behind a ton of cars that we backed up farther than we could see. With panic just under the surface I told myself that it was a slight delay and we were going to inch towards the exit that was only 9 miles away. WE. DIDN'T. MOVE. Bret put the truck into park and I looked at him with terror in my eyes. My bladder was literally starting to cramp. I looked around me and there was NO. WHERE. TO. GO. It was about 6 am and starting to get light outside so sneaking off to the shoulder was out of the question. I just tried to focus on something else and that was just not working.



We sat there for an hour and finally I looked at Bret and said..."I can't hold it any longer". Bret rolled down the window and poured out the last of his large diet coke and handed me the cup. I just sat there and stared at him. It took me a moment to realize that he thought I should pee in the cup. I was horrified. I am no city girl and have squat and peed my far share in the woods but this was completely different. Some how I was supposed to pull my pants down without mooning the world with my whiter than white butt in the front passenger seat of a pick up that was packed to absolute max with my husband sitting next to me and my two kids in the back seat wide awake. Are you kidding me????



As bad as I had to pee it was the longest it has ever taken me to get started. I can't begin to detail my embarrassment and awkwardness at this moment. It was even weird afterwards as we sat there for another 30 minutes before we finally got moving with a cup of my pee sitting in the cup holder of the console because I'll be damned if I was going to roll down my window and dump the pee in front of everyone on the side of the road. UGH. Happy Totally Awkward Tuesdays!

Cheers to 2009!

So I know that I have been very MIA lately. With Christmas and our long trip to Kansas things have been a little crazy. After being in the car for 18 hours and then unpacking a ridiculous amount of clothes and new Christmas gifts brought back from Kansas I am exhausted. So for now I am simply going to promise a load of new posts about the holidays our little one's upcoming birthday party plans, etc and in the mean time I was nominated for an award and have the joy of passing it on as well.


Let's start with the rules: The honorees are to: A) first list 10 honest things about yourself - and make it interesting, even if you have to dig deep! B) pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you feel embody the spirit of the Honest Scrap


1. I obsessively over analyze the meaning of people's comments, emails, etc. I worry that I upset them, that they don't like me, etc until I stay up at night wondering if I should have tried to be nicer to someone or if when Bret said he didn't care if that really meant that he was disappointed in what I choose but didn't really have any way of changing it now so he might as well simply tell me that he didn't care.


2. I have an estranged brother that I rarely talk to or have anything to do with and I prefer it this way.


3. I feel guilty if I have dreams/fantasies where my husband is not the lead role to the point where I have an internal debates in my sleep that wake me up feeling like I was cheating or something. When I mentioned this to Dr. Heskett he told me I was weird....what does that really mean?


4. Even though my wedding was the one of the greatest days of my life I have no desire to ever go through it again...it was so much work and stress leading up to one day. I would rather just have the cake and dancing instead.


5. I am a total TV junkie. I have about 10 shows that I watch religiously. DVR was one of the best things that have ever happened in our marriage since Bret could watch football when my shows were recording and we didn't have to have a Jeopardy Rain Man melt down.


6. Speaking of TV, Bret and I have a strong disagreement over having a TV in our bedroom. He believes that the bedroom is good for two things.....sleeping and.....changing clothes...haha bad joke I know but it is what he always says. The argument has gotten to a point that he emails and clips me articles that prove that not having a TV in the bedroom is better for a marriage and their sex lives. I just want to be able to lay in bed and watch TV...is that too much to ask?


7. My daughter Emily slept in bed with Bret and I until she was 4 months old and then both he and the pediatrician said that I need to transition her to her crib. Although I agreed I was terrified that I wasn't going to hear her through the baby monitor even though her room was right next to mine so I would go to her room in the middle of the night and sleep next her crib and try to wake up and sneak back into bed so Bret wouldn't tell me that I was nuts or something.


8. Although I know that we have agreed on two more kids (four total) I would totally have more if Bret wanted them...in other words he wouldn't have to twist my arm very hard if he decided to have one or two more after the two more we plan to have. For some reason though I am too chicken to try and convince him to have four more kids because really I am not sure I could handle it all anyways.


9. I obsessively check my email and back account everyday..sometimes 3-6 times a day on my bank account and I just leave my email open all day.


10. Besides laundry the house chore that I loathe the most is cleaning the bath tub. I just don't like it.


Now to pass on the award:



1. Chris at Christensen8
2. Angie at Collum Family Fun
3. Angel at Floating Through Time
4. Rose at Rosiesmrtiepants
5. Kim at Antisdel Abstract
6. Cora at Love Letters by Cora
7. Julia at Sometimes Lucid

Totally Awkward Tuesdays

Today is the first day of Tova Darling's Totally Awkward Tuesday. As I love love love her and her blog and b/c I didn't really have anything that spectacular planned for today here is my first awkward post.

My sister and I are very close. Although we fought when we were younger we have been super close since I moved away to college. She even lived with me for a while. Of course when my dear sister got engaged she asked me to be maid of honor and I was thrilled. A few months prior to the big day we found out we were preggers with our second. My sister (although I love her dearly) has what some may call middle child syndrome. This common disease is diagnosed through expressions of not being the center of attention. They are neither the oldest or the youngest and thereby have an identity crisis and feel that nothing is ever about them. My sister is a classic case of this syndrome.

That being said I told Dr. Heskett that come hell or high water NO ONE was going to find out we were pregnant until after the wedding. The last thing I wanted was to steal her thunder by making a big announcement that IN ANY WAY could take the attention away from her. Problem #1...I was sicker than a dog. This was not just simple morning sickness...this was all day sickness. My eyes felt like they were floating in my head and uncontrollable waves of nausea would send me RUNNING to the nearest trash can (because it came way to fast for a bathroom run). Problem #2....Dress had to be altered and had to be unnoticeable. (Sad but true that you show WAY sooner with baby #2). Problem #3....Incredible boob pain that made wearing a bra impossible (luckily holding the dress up was not a problem...not everything about pregnancy is bad).

Problem #4...Pregnancy takes control of your mind and makes you a complete idiot that forgets everything...including the ring. As the maid of honor in your sister's wedding you really only have a couple of major jobs. Forgetting the ring and remembering half way through the ceremony is an issue. Luckily we are Catholic and mass takes forever before you get to the actual ring part. So in my best attempt to be inconspicuous in front of our 300 closest family and friends I signaled to my uncle in the back to run down stairs and find the ring which I left in my purse without my sister noticing. You read that correctly. I left the ring in my purse down in the basement of the church and I needed my uncle to get it and secretly bring it to me. I am a charades genius and we have this all on tape. Watching the tape was the first time that my sister, new BIL, and parents even had a clue that anything was going on. The most impressive part is that the back of the church was a long ways away...have you been to a Cathedral?

Now I am sure that you thought this story could not get any better...but wait.

Problem #5...I almost passed out. I always thought that the whole pregnant woman passing out and finding out that she was pregnant was just an old wives tale. Not true. After the ring episode I was planning to spend the rest of the ceremony planning out how I was going to sneak apple juice into my champagne flute for the toast and suddenly I got very warm. I felt flushed and then chilled. The next thing I knew I started to weave slightly and I felt myself go pale. I knew I was in real trouble when I started to see everything in tunnel vision and I could hear the priest talking but it seemed very far away. The bridesmaid standing next to me took my sister's bouquet from me (which weighed 500 lbs) and asked if I was OK. I told her that no I don't think I was OK and she asked what she should do. (Right now you are thinking that you had no idea so much could go on during a wedding ceremony and no one notice...but no one did I assure you or in my family I would have never heard the end of it.) I stepped down to her level and kind of leaned on her slightly. All I kept thinking about was that I was going to pass out at my sister's wedding in a bridesmaid dress in front of everyone I knew and roll down the steps (there are seven of them). That wasn't even the worst thought going through my head....I was going to steal my sister's show. Through sure will power I made it through the ceremony and when my sister finally kissed her new husband and turned towards me to get her bouquet I could tell how pale I was because she got really scared. I told her to just go I was fine. The priest grabbed my hand and told me to breath. After a brief breathing exercise the best man "escorted/carried" me out to the back of the church to the bathroom. I splashed water on my face, sat down, and was feeling much better. My dear Dr. Heskett was on the other end of the groomsman and thus one of the last of the bridal party to get to the back of the church. He heard the photographer ask if the maid of honor was OK. Although it took a moment for Dr. Heskett to realize that the maid of honor was in fact his pregnant wife he finally made it to the bathroom. I of course was crying and afraid that EVERYONE now knew that I was pregnant.

The only person who even suggested such a thing the rest of the night was my 90 grandmother who simply said "I think it is a boy" and smiled. The rest of the night went off without a hitch (everyone just thought I was dehydrated) and was truly surprised three weeks later when we made the big announcement at Emily's 2nd birthday. The best part is the no one really knew how awkward things were until they saw the video which is hilarious. You can see it all...forgotten ring...weaving maid of honor about to pass out...it is awesome. Happy Totally Awkward Tuesdays!